Having a roommate again is weird. I haven’t closed the bathroom door in ages! Not since the week before my last one got fed up and left.

At RDU, you can use their website for free… Provided you don’t want to check a flight status or do anything even slightly useful.

Tweeting on below average IQ phones takes some practice.

Here’s a funny joke: ask ‘how do you drown a blonde?’ then pause a moment, look intense, and add: ‘no, seriously.’ ‘Drowning people isn’t funny.’ ‘Well, no, not at first…’

Soon, neuroscience will make the hard problem into just another soft problem. But before that, it will be a problem of moderate density.

If everything that has a beginning has an end, that means that the Neverending Story never had a beginning.

I got my new license in the mail. I’m a legal driver now! Time to go five miles per hour over the limit.

You know those times when you’re alone and you’re thankful nobody can see what a weirdo you are? That’s 90 percent of my life.

I almost mistakenly walked into the ladies’ room until I realized it didn’t smell of omni-urine.

You offer an olive branch, I get an axe.

Smartphones make dumb drivers.

I put ‘surprise quiz’ on the agenda today. Waited until the end of class and then told them the surprise quiz thought experiment.

I’m thankful that I don’t have a middle name only when I’m at the DMV or when chased by the Terminator.

Whoever said sunlight is the best disinfectant had obviously never heard of photosynthesis.

Dear car dealerships: when saying “won’t last long,” please specify whether you mean at the lot or in real life.

If I only had ten minutes left to live, I would call home to tell my parents I love them. “Dad,” I’d say. “…Can you put mom on?”

In Key West – Here’s hoping Tropical Storm Irene is like a Gusher’s commercial.

I’m in Key West and am having all of the Key Lime Pie I can manage. Or, as they call it here, Here Lime Pie.

“It’s okay, you didn’t see any more than you’d see at the beach.” “Yes I did!” “Yeah, well– you need to go to better beaches.”

I wish money were no object. Instead, money is object.

“We have nothing to fear, but fear itself…. because fear is, like, really, really scary.” #oftenmisquoted

The WiFi on this plane is brought to me by Diet Coke. The page they redirect me to is their Facebook page. Has life truly become this lame?

@Mablicia – We’re going to miss you. Seriously. It might be sad. Almost nobody is going: Super Friend Bash might not be a good idea. 🙁

Okay, so maybe insomnia is just my default state now.

The best place to get work done is waiting for service without an appointment at the Apple Genius Bar. Nobody _ever_ bothers you.

Sometimes I like getting SPAM from former friends because it means that they haven’t deleted me from their address book.

I got a couple of hundred $’s of veggies and booze, but I lost a best friend…It’s not a very good deal. I don’t recommend you take it. :'(

Cashier probably thinks that I’m only buying toilet paper because I ran out at an unfortunate time. She’s wrong- I meant to buy it earlier.

What is a high school sweetheart? Does anyone you dated in high school count? Like can you be high school sweethearts with the principal?

Dear Middle School girls- the comeback to any sort of insult is “are you okay? You look bloaty.”

Reverse Irish Carbomb: a shot of Guinness poured into a half-pint of Bailey’s. If you think that’s bad, try a reverse jaegerbomb.

I just got called out to a bar by a strange text message. I came out because it was so demanding. I hope it’s not a wrong number.

Just once I want to see LOL on a tombstone.

Pro Tip: never try to organize all of your friends for anything.

Chipmunks – precursors to autotune.

The lady cutting my hair smells like weed. I don’t know if I should be reassured or scared.

They say you don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterward. … but you should probably still tip her for the sex.

This guy has his daughter’s name tattooed on his neck. I hope his next child is quintuplets. #peopleoftacobell

Today I will work into conversation the phrase “molesting a muppet.” I imagine the context will be a strung-out Cookie Monster. Join me!

Sumo wrestlers are foie gras for cannibals.

Whelp– Sleep didn’t happen tonight. We’ll try again tomorrow.

My mother just joined facebook. In related news: I will soon rely exclusively on Twitter.

“But if I lived with roommates, I wouldn’t be able to do my daily morning nude jumping jacks… I’m kidding: they’re evening jumping jacks.”