I declare today #nonsequiturday I don’t mean to brag, but it’s Thursday. A bird in the hand is a worthwhile investment. I meant to get my hair cut today, but I didn’t realize what year it was in the Chinese…

I wonder if time machines spew unsafe radiation.

The cover charge is outrageous in the “27 Club.”

I just looked up ‘smurf’ in the Urban Dictionary and my head smurfsploded.

I used to be a graphic designer. Actually, I was just a lewd designer.

Don’t call me Mr. Myers. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Mr. Myers Jr.

Him: Strike! Me: That was a ball! Him: Oh, and I take it you know a thing or two about balls? Me: Yeah! …Wait: no…Wait: Just two things.

That guy is too fat for the baseball stadium’s fake sumo suits.

We’re at the ballgame. We’re sitting so close, we could hurt the players’ feelings from here.

I want to have a book burning party. My friends have a lot of audiobooks that I want to illegally add to my collection.

The plot of this book is paper-thin… Actually, the plots of most books are paper thin. Except maybe ebooks.

I’ve been waiting at home all day for the UPS guy to deliver me a new, hi-tech way to floss. … I am old. “Sorry I’m late for dinner, I just got new floss and I wanted to try it…

I’m so funny that laughter is not even an appropriate response.

The Sonicare electric toothbrush description on Amazon says: “Sonicare white power toothbrush” I feel like I’m not the target market or race

I’m back from Utah now so I’m done with Mormon jokes. I’m sad because I loved those jokes. I loved them so much I married them. All of them.

I can’t take news teases seriously: “An important thing happened. More at 11.” If it’s really important, why air Head-On commercials first?

“The secret to success in academia is choosing your ignorance.” –Elihu Gerson

Dear airports of the world. Free wifi has stopped being an optional feature. Get with the program.

I just met people that love hugs as much as I do: gay guys from Salt Lake City. It makes me worry that I might secretly be from Utah.

They say that when hiking, an ounce in the morning is a pound in the evening. This is why I always wait until the evening to start packing.

There are dozens of kids sitting outside reading the bible for some reason. I wish just one was reading Harry Potter in a bible dust jacket.

Every morning at the Univ. of Utah, dozens of kids sit outside reading the bible. I don’t know why they don’t just listen to the audiobook.

We all voted over what we would call our session. “Directions for Philosophy of Biology” won out. “Jake the Session” was a distant second.

My hotel room has a terrible view of the outside. My only consolation is that- before I shower- the outside has a terrible view of me.

There were more babies on this flight than in a maternity ward.

Peace treaty – Men will stop having opinions about abortion if women stop having opinions about circumcision. Deal?

I donated money to a library today. I had the option of donating in honor of someone, so I did. LeVar Burton— this one’s for you.

First Law of Robotics: “A Robot may not injure a human OR, through inaction, allow a human to come to harm.” … Is that an Inclusive Or?

My brother is an anachronism. He was born six weeks premature.

Anachronism is someone that’s born in the wrong time, but what are you called when you’re born in the wrong place?

It’s a little known fact that it was raining during the original Fourth of July. Not in Philadelphia, of course, but certainly somewhere.

Whelp, it’s raining. No fireworks today. I think that means 4th of July is canceled. How’s the 5th for everyone?

I get more work done if I’m slightly uncomfortable. That’s why I always wear awkward underwear then sit next to cute girls in coffee shops.

I have some facebook friends where the most salient memory I have of them is when I reluctantly confirmed them as friends.

I’ve gotten to the point where I look people up on Facebook just so that I can block them before they can find me.

“If you do not own a hammock, you have wasted your life.” – Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The university counseling service’s web site is so depressing.

I liked my last status so much, I re-tweeted it.

The first anesthesiologists were really just overzealous bartenders.

They say writers craft their ideal world. That’s probably why all of my stories are about writers who are slightly more productive than me.

@gabethebeaver – What do I do when my brother forwards me a political e-mail that I find inaccurate and offensive?

Google Scholar is a search engine for academic articles. I think my path to getting tenure will include Google Scholar Bombing my articles.

I want to start a video project for high school bullies called “It Gets Worse… It Gets Sooo Much Worse.”