“Jan: You think that’s bad, I played rapeball in prison. Losing at that was worse than death.. Mieke: In home country, consent is bad omen.”

Ain’t no party like a post-defense party cuz a post-defense party don’t stop.

My BreFF just passed her dissertation defense! Congratulations, Dr. Bre!!!

@gabethebeaver – If I disapprove of a business’ practices, is it okay to kidnap a random employee and hunt him or her for sport?

I want to get married on #aprilfools day. That way you’d be covered for anything, ever: “Wait, you didn’t think this was serious, did you?”

My team was eliminated in March Madness which means that it’s now time for April Apathy.

Here are six adjectives and nouns- feel free to mix and match for humor: efficient, tolerable, boner-killing; Love, pregnancy, molten lava.

I play scrabble like I drive: I get massive points early then just coast for a while. Wait, did I say ‘drive?’ I meant ‘make love.’

I started calling my friends Charlie, Mike, and Oscar by the NATO phonetic alphabet version of their first initial. They have yet to notice.

A bird in the hand is worth two dollars in the flea market. #Firstdraftquotes #firstdraftaphorisms or #firstdraftcliches

I’m giving up on researching esoteric bands to build my Indy cred. I’m just going to start making them up.

Someone help me put up these 10,000 Earth Day posters.

It is inappropriate to talk to someone that is entering a restroom. Even if it’s your long-lost twin who is about to be shot: it can wait!

If you had the last newspaper that will ever be published by humanity, would you read it cover-to-cover or just do the crossword?

Just wrote in my class notes: “Do time travel, if time allows.”

Quantum Man has the powers of Super Position: He’s everywhere until someone somewhere happens to look at something.

I always go the extra mile. That’s why I’m a terrible navigator.

I would jump in front of a bus to save a future version of myself.

My brother did a tour of Afghanistan in 2002… It was a TERRIBLE choice for a vacation.

If the crime is plagiarism, then yes: I fight crime for a living.

You said his name was Pavlov? Hm. No, I don’t think I know him. It doesn’t ring a bell.

Anyone who has ever been my roommate knows I only have one rule: buy 2-ply or higher.

Well, we weren’t going to get those prospectives anyway. Might as well have made a drinking game out of them.

I’m as bad at similes as I am at… Other things sometimes.

If I die tonight, tell your mother I loved her.

Nick’s not so bad. He serves as an excellent warning for why pregnant women shouldn’t drink heavily of bleach.

Local pie shop is offering a half a pie for $3.14 for some reason. That just seems irrational!

Enjoying some pie alone in a pie shop on Pi day.

I bet Angela’s Ashes is a totally different story for people who are prejudiced against gingers.

It must be terrible to be religious during end times- all repenting, no pillaging and plundering.

I’ve yet to fly in a major airline that respects the rules of shotgun.

This is my 2500th tweet. It’s is a novel’s worth. But a stupid novel with a schizophrenic, conceited protagonist. Thanks for following!

The thing I most hate about myself is that I hate things about myself.

With his powers of special composition, the Metaphysician has the power to bring objects into being by mere contact! #philosophysuperheroes

I’m not in deep thought, I’m just deep into shallow thoughts.

I think Harry Potter peaked too early. He’s going to spend the rest of his life bragging: “You guys remember when I defeated Voldemort?”

Can you add on to another person’s note to self? “Note to self: don’t mention hipsters to Jeremy.” “…and come out of the closet… Soon.”

Me: you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to offend me. When did you wake up? Him: I woke up at 5:30. Me: that’s offensive!

Quitting: NSFW

I don’t let undergrads into my #philosophy lab because they either aren’t interested or they contaminate my thought experiments.