Money can’t buy you love, but it’ll get you a great deal on lust.
Money can’t buy you love, but it’ll get you a great deal on lust.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Plagiarism is the laziest form of imitation.
Time Travel: A Mini-Comic
Nonsense and Reference
Shockingly obvious realization: You can have a joke that doesn’t refer to any cultural aspect and you can have a reference that isn’t funny. Background: I went to a boardgame night a few weeks ago with some friends of a…
Pixel’s Central Axiom of Dating
This applies to people 25 and older: The man you meet with whom you feel have a connection is more likely to be a jerk who knows how to manipulate women than a soul mate. Corollary: A guy who makes…
Super Friend Bash 2011
IT’S A LOCK: WE’RE GOING TO THE KEYS!! Super Friend Bash is happening again this year. Mark your calendars and tell your friends to mark theirs because we’re going TROPICAL! From August 19th until August 27th, some of my closest…
My New Comic!
It’s part of my comic class. The assignment was “Animals.” It’s based on this tweet.
Wanna know why it’s 2011 and there are still no flying cars? Imagine a generation of teenagers texting while flying.
Wanna know why it’s 2011 and there are still no flying cars? Imagine a generation of teenagers texting while flying.
I left the orgy when I realized I had the wrong address and the owners showed up.
I left the orgy when I realized I had the wrong address and the owners showed up. I just wish I hadn’t already started.
It is okay to be nude in the men’s locker room, but not the bathroom.
It is okay to be nude in the men’s locker room, but not the bathroom. #rulesforguys #oops
Why I hate the Onion
It’s simple: It is a parody that takes itself too seriously. Sure, the headlines are funny sometimes, but then you start reading the story and you realize that it juuust keeeps goooing. The reason it does this is because the…
Pro tip: it is bad tact to show up fashionably late to a surprise party.
Pro tip: it is bad tact to show up fashionably late to a surprise party.
Things Past Me was better at
Past versions of myself have been much better than me at quite a number of things. Some of these I want to get back to, others I’m ambivalent about. Here’s a nice list: Having a sense of purpose – and…
Realization: it is hard to draw a burrito weight lifting.
Realization: it is hard to draw a burrito weight lifting. #hourlycomicday
Shrinking block: present and future are real.
Shrinking block: present and future are real. Moving absence: past and future are real, present is not. #stupidphilosophicalviews
My phone drops more calls than a rapper drops beats.
My phone drops more calls than a rapper drops beats.
Hourly Comic Day!!
Hourly Comic Day!!
Pro tip: Never come out of the closet in a knock knock joke.
Pro tip: Never come out of the closet in a knock knock joke.
I just caught a glimpse at the short list for new admits to our program.
I just caught a glimpse at the short list for new admits to our program. Unfortunately, none of them seemed like mob aliases.
I figured out Mozilla’s naming strategy: combine an animal with the natural phenomenon it would most fear.
I figured out Mozilla’s naming strategy: combine an animal with the natural phenomenon it would most fear. Firefox, Thunderbird, Seamonkey..
I’m not an actor, but I play one on tv.
I’m not an actor, but I play one on tv.
From now on, I’m going to claim I’m a professional fandango musician.
From now on, I’m going to claim I’m a professional fandango musician. Then, if given an instrument, I’ll just make stuff up.
Bite my friend’s dreadlocks #UrgesIMustRepress
Bite my friend’s dreadlocks #UrgesIMustRepress
New Themes
I’ve decided that from now on I will live a satirical life in the following ways: I will fear Canadian immigrants because they are stealing our jobs. I will fight for a cure for Gum Disease. I will regard left-handed…
My preferred method of execution: firing squad.
My preferred method of execution: firing squad. Because the executor doesn’t know if he is responsible. My variant: bow & arrow.
#philosophy Holy cow! My BFF got fly-outs from all of her interviews!!
#philosophy Holy cow! My BFF got fly-outs from all of her interviews!!
I’m a Kantian with OCD, so I have to follow his categorical imperatives in order.
I’m a Kantian with OCD, so I have to follow his categorical imperatives in order. … I guess you could call me a Kant Sequentialist.
My alarm clock is Rage Against The Machine’s “Wake Up.
My alarm clock is Rage Against The Machine’s “Wake Up.” My snooze button is Aerosmith’s “Dream On.”
I want to start a book club podcast where it’s obvious that only one of the people in the panel actually read the book.
I want to start a book club podcast where it’s obvious that only one of the people in the panel actually read the book.
Someone should create the twitter name @MarkyMarkTwain.
Someone should create the twitter name @MarkyMarkTwain. I’d follow it!
I found out my jacket zipper is on the left side.
I found out my jacket zipper is on the left side. This is not usual for men’s jackets… I’m like the most boring cross-dresser ever.
A Daily Checklist
(Crossposted) This is a list of items I hope to do every day. If I fail at any particular item, it’s okay, because there are many items on this list and I just want to do most of them: Run…
Wait– Viagra is NOT meant to be used as a suppository??
Wait– Viagra is NOT meant to be used as a suppository??
Guys, do yourselves a favor and watch this: http://www.
Guys, do yourselves a favor and watch this:
NYC!
NYC!
Effective January 2, Delaware will forbid texting while driving.
Effective January 2, Delaware will forbid texting while driving. Today is Jan 1. I was just driving by Delaware and thought I’d tweet that.
Pro Tip: When playing Never Have I Ever, it is a bad idea to say “been molested as a child.
Pro Tip: When playing Never Have I Ever, it is a bad idea to say “been molested as a child.”
History is hearsay.
History is hearsay.
Raise your right hand if you’re left-handed.
Raise your right hand if you’re left-handed. #lefthandedracism
2011
Here we go! Let’s get it DONE this year. No particular new projects to work on. Get down to 172 lbs. or 12% body fat Start and maintain a podcast Maintain my Sarah Project Maintain my secret Sentence Project Pass…
2010 Redux
Did I accomplish all of my goals for this year? Did I accomplish any? This past year I stopped making 18 resolutions because I kept forgetting them and had less than a .500 batting average. I went down to seven…
“Ctrl” is about a keyboard whose commands affect space/time.
“Ctrl” is about a keyboard whose commands affect space If that happened to me, I bet I’d feel like an idiot for switching to Dvorak.
When I wake up in the morning, I don’t have a pet, so I just talk to my penis: “What are you already doing up?”
When I wake up in the morning, I don’t have a pet, so I just talk to my penis: “What are you already doing up?”
Guy: “I spray dishwashing fluid on my food to stop myself from eating it.
Guy: “I spray dishwashing fluid on my food to stop myself from eating it.” Me: “I usually stop myself by just finishing the food.”
Pro tip: Not just any pants will do.
Pro tip: Not just any pants will do. The hammer dance requires hammer pants. Also inappropriate: dancing in the nude.