I don’t get angry at people making fun of my height. That seems so small to get mad about.

ACTUAL SIGN: “There are no refunds for bad weather, only rain checks will be issued”

Not only do I want what’s best for you, I want what’s worst for everybody else.

I’m going to name my son after my brother. I’m going to give him my last name.

Pro Tip: Triathlete means you swim, cycle, and run in triathlons, but biathlete means something very, very different..

I’m changing the “Irish Priest.” It used to be Irish whiskey, a drop of holy water, and a cherry. Now I’m replacing holy water with tears.

My map’s right, it’s the real world that’s wrong.

I know I claimed I could dance salsa, but I really meant crump.

It turns out “avada kedavra” is not a good way to test wands.

I just photobombed an ultrasound.

My mom is a trip. She wants to sell pirated PlayStation 1 games to Goodwill.

ACTUAL CONVERSATION: Me: “Today is the shortest day of the year.” Friend: “Then why does it seem so long??” Me: “Because you work nights!”

Guy with jumper cables outside a restaurant: “hey, can you help me out, man?” Me: “I’ll catch you on the way out.”

I lost the beanie my BFF gave me for X-Mas.. And she gave it to me Yesterday! ),:

It’s good that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is over, but it’s a travesty that they still let left-handed people in the military. #lefthandedracism

Registered carloscraziness.com. If any Carloses out there want to have a March Madness-style tournament of your friends, you’re out of luck!

The biggest correlate with weight is the lifestyle of your social circle. I’m back up to 190. Time to convince my friends to go on diets.

Looks like you brought a spork to a food fight!

Good advice: Don’t go to sleep angry. Okay advice: Don’t go to sleep sad. Bad advice: Don’t go to sleep tired.

I’d rather punch a polar bear than finish this paper. Not because I hate this paper, but because I really, really like punching polar bears.

Holy crap, this may just be me reading into it and not getting some stupid programming joke, but I think today’s XKCD is about Systematics.

Pro tip: you get across town quicker by following some service vehicles but not others. Fire trucks are good, mail trucks are bad.

You know you have problems when you start referring to orange juice as a “weak screwdriver.”

I want to see a movie about the Titanic from the iceberg’s point of view.

I’m having so much fun with my new prejudice against lefties, I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me like that time I hated gingers.

It’s been proven that lefties are less moral than normal people, but they’re also apparently less intelligent and nice. #lefthandedracism

I was too cool for school, so they left me out in the cold. #mixedmetaphors

Lefties? Sinister-Americans? #yeahbutwhatdoicallthem #lefthandedracism

Leftoriums are a good start, but I won’t be happy until they have their own supermarkets, coffee shops, and restaurants. #lefthandedracism

Quick! Someone give me the joke or logical structure of the following: “P is true.” “No it isn’t.” “Okay, so P isn’t true.”

I played John Cage’s “4?33?” backward and heard a satanic message.

Mike: “Have you ever been in an open relationship?” Me: “No… I mean, at least not that I was aware of at the time.”

Religion came up four times yesterday. This is more than July thru November. What the F, holiday parties? What the F?

What I feel when I read @pippki’s pen blog can be called pen’s envy.

Brother’s SMS: “A Gallup pole has Obama at a lower approval than Bush. Ohh how the mighty have fallen.” My response: “It’s spelled ‘poll.’”

Contrary to popular belief, Bruce Willis didn’t kill anyone in Die Hard. On the other hand, John McClane killed a shitload of terrorists.

Rewatching Die Hard for the first time in ten years. I’d forgotten what a badass Snape was.

I want to see a sequel to Groundhog Day where it turns out that he also gets stuck in February 3rd.

Hypothesis: Chuck Norris’ inexplicable popularity is directly tied into the rise of irony-loving hipsters.

Flat out weird day.. Like it was still 2009. Terrifying. Also, I was wrong about N=2. It is still 1. Totally misread the Internet.

They say the first week off the wagon is the hardest.