How to piss off a bartender: order a complicated, layered shot… “and coke.” Pro Tip: Never, ever piss off your bartender.

Pro Tip: If a friend miscarries, it is not a good idea to help her mourn by offering to buy her a drink.

Dear Science Fiction: please eliminate the word ‘de-evolution’ from your all of your stories.

I didn’t mean to follow you into the restroom. It’s just an added bonus.

If I’m a player, then I’ve been red-shirted.

I was at Starbucks at 4 a.m. today because they were offering 50% off lattes… I make terrible life choices.

I waited in line at Best Buy for six hours today. Not because it was Black Friday: they just have terrible service.

My cranberry sauce is too watery. I had to wrap the bowl in Saran wrap three times! I felt like a businessman in Vegas.

I invented a drink called an “Irish Priest.” It’s simple: just Irish Whiskey, a drop of holy water, and a cherry.

Why is it called _Close_ Encounters of the Third Kind? Aren’t all encounters of the third kind close?

Tonight’s showing in my attempt to culture myself is Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Gym buddy: I’m doing chest and back today, what are you doing? Me: I’m working out all the muscles that begin with a vowel.

Good advice: Assume the author you’re reading is wrong about everything. Bad advice: Assume the author you’re reading slept with your wife.

That’s it! From now on I’m applying the half-your-age-plus-seven rule to who I allow to be my friend on Facebook.

I’m 25 and have never been to a wedding. Luckily, I just got asked to be the best man at my friend’s divorce.

Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator #sequelideas #whyimnotastudioexec

My knee is good enough to walk normally now. I shouldn’t be dependent on my crutch anymore, but I am for some weird reason.

So… the ER visit will cost me $150 and the MRI if my leg still hurts will be another $435. Healthcare in this country still blows.

I don’t want to think that I have a bad knee now. So instead, I’m going to call it my Good Knee and call the other one my Kick-Ass Knee.

This cabin says that the kitchen has a really nice view. That’s great, but beside the point… unless the porch has a great microwave.

Things I wish I’d’ve known in first grade: being on crutches for a week makes you AWESOME at hopscotch.

What would you do if you snuck into a friend’s house and the only objects in the kitchen were a chair, a table, whiskey, and a revolver?

Just because I wear glasses doesn’t mean I can’t kill your collective asses.

How I injured my knee: I accidentally knelt down on a thimble.

Yes, I blew out my knee in a fight, but you should see the other guy! He’s wracked with guilt.

People on diets are such pessimists. They don’t look at the bowl as half-full, they look at it as half-empty.

I offered two options: Soup and Diet Soup. The diet soup was just a half-full bowl.

I’m not pulling my weight this camping trip. I offered to cook dinner, but I guess SOME people are too good for soup.

I will not mess with my database, I will not mess with my root domain. I will not mess with my database, I will not mess with my root domain

“There was a deputy in class today, so now you can officially say you fought a cop.” “Cool! I’ve never fought a cop before!” “Ahh… youth.”

I’m not going to donate my organs, instead I’ll bequeath them to my children so that they can sell them on the black market.

You know you’re getting older when you start dreading the candy-related holidays and start looking forward to the alcohol-related ones.

I think I should stop describing my life as “a story worthy of Roman Polanski.”

You can’t be a Hipster if you self-identify as one. I don’t think I’m a Hipster, but I self-identify as one to be ironic.

Remember to vote tomorrow, guys! Because you know what sorts of people don’t vote? Felons. And you don’t want to be a felon, now do you?

Yesterday I found out that saying “I’m required by law to tell you I moved into the neighborhood” is not a good cheap Halloween costume.

I found my friend’s cell phone randomly and I’m wondering what the right thing to do is. I mean, I know it, I’m not stupid: but WHICH prank?

I bet Whatchamacallits never became popular because nobody knew how to order them.