I’m wearing my work uniform to Halloween parties today. When people ask me what I’m dressed as, I say “serial killer” and stare at them for a while.

When I lived up north, people wore the equivalent of a polar bear to stay warm. The slutty girls only wore a penguin. It was sexy.

Guys care about women’s bodies. Women care about clothes. Clothes are go above the skin. Doesn’t this make women more superficial than men?

I’m looking for Halloween costumes. They’re out of slutty nurses, so I think I’m just going to go as a slutty prostitute.

She set us up with her twin friends. We didn’t know who was who so it wouldn’t bias the date. It’s standard protocol for double-blind dates.

I just submitted my homework as 13 separate PDFs and one Word 2010 document. Yes, this was out of spite.

I love it when other people have hiccups because it gives me free reign to sneak up and scare the bejeezus out of them.

I tell people I opened up a non-profit because it makes me sound more like a philanthropic person and less like a failed businessman.

.@mablicia: “Thanks for calling on my bday. 🙂 Me: “Sure. Anytime…. Wait, No!”

What’s more likely: a religious apocalypse, the zombie apocalypse, or some sort of full-scale alien invasion? Answers are due in 53 minutes.

Who would win in a fight between UFC Heavyweight Champion Cain Velasquez and… say… Scorpion from Mortal Kombat?

I don’t need a sports cup, I need a goblet!

According to this genetic study, I’m 15% less likely than the average European to develop Type 2 Diabetes. Halloween will now be awesome. Addendum: I am not of European ancestry. This study is useless.

Grateful Dead Poets Society #BandFilms CRASH Test Dummies #BandFilms Does Charlie Daniels Band of Brothers count? #BandFilms Bloodhound Gangs of New York #BandFilms Men in Black Eyed Peas #BandFilms The Arcade Fire in the Sky #BandFilms

Amazon Prime is ridiculous. I just ordered a lightbulb with two-day shipping. I… fail at environmentalism today.

Dear Durham, Stop knocking at my door at creepy hours. If it’s past midnight and you’re not actively being murdered, I’m not interested.

Damn. Only 36 hours left to get my BFF’s birthday present ready. Why do I always do half the work two months early and half the day before?

In retrospect, it may not have been such a good idea to call ‘shotgun!’ for the squad car.

I have a new favorite pen. Life makes sense again.

Pro Tip: No matter what gender child your friend has, it is inappropriate to say “tough break” when they tell you.

It’s 10:00 on 10/10/10 people. … I give this day a 6.5

Today I tried to do a back handspring and landed on my head. I tried again and landed on all fours. #whyimabadass #truestory #noseriously Also #itturnsoutimnottoogoodatgymnastics

The software at the ethics center is too old. I should pirate a newer version.

Today I start a job at the center for ethics. Today I also start stealing office supplies.

I use erasable pens because I’m a terrible grader and I don’t want to write “-10? No, wait, +10. You were right, I was wrong. My bad.”

So two people had sex outside my friends’ tent last Saturday. “Look on the bright side,” I said. “At least it wasn’t just ONE person”

Studying biology has convinced me of the impracticality of eugenics. Also: terraforming. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore!

Arrested Development is being taken off Hulu. This is the worst thing to happen to the Internet since IE.

Mad means ‘crazy’ in commonwealth English, doesn’t it? Mad Max suddenly makes so much more sense… So does Madonna.

Systematics nerd joke: Your tree has less resolution than a drunken New Year’s boast.

Systematics nerd joke: My strict consensus tree is a star burst.

I need to get a tablet – drawing my notes in ASCII is such a pain.

If your adviser never shows up for your prelim, that’s a bad thing, right?

The commentator’s objection is well noted, but he neglects a crucial part of my argument: that he can go screw himself.

Stresssss means no sleep. In 36 hours I can go back to normal, I think.

I use approximate rhyme all the times.

There is something it is like to be a George A. Romero zombie

That woman’s hair is so short it wants to conquer Europe.

JCAK IS COMING TO VISIT!! ZOMG LOL ROTFLMAO!!! I’ve known Jack since fifth grade. He’s my oldest friend. Or at least he was until I started playing golf.

Scientific American reports we only trust experts when they agree with us. Hmm… Yeah, I know. I don’t buy it either.

This club is playing Lady Gaga on skip apparently. It’s a much improved remix.

“Have you met my wife?” “No, but I’ve seen the before picture in infomercials.”