I hate it when the janitors show up as you’re leaving for the night. It feels like exiting a stinky bathroom… It feels EXACTLY like that..

My computer announces the time every half hour. I can’t help but feel as if Stephen Hawking is chastizing me when I stay up this late.

“You could take out ‘also’” “But that makes it funnier” “Perhaps the quotes?” “But that makes it clearer. I know! I’ll take out the spaces!”

Patronizing can mean being a patron:”I’m patronizing Subway now.” But it can also mean condescension:”I’m patronizing a Subway employee now”

You know you’re getting thinner when you start needing to use a belt… instead of a harness.

People think I’m such a lush when I go for walks. It was probably a bad idea to make a water bottle out of an old bottle of Smirnoff.

If I were on death row, I’d mutter the Konami Code constantly.

Marie Antoinette would have been a terrible personal trainer.

I think it’d be a really funny prank to replace all of someone’s protein powder with Nestle Quik.

My iPhone is broken. AGAIN. iPhones suck. Why would anyone ever get one? Just for that, I’m making AT&T give me a new one.

Body builders like to claim that weakness is in the mind, not the body. But in my case it’s clearly both.

I have a phrase in search of a joke. I’ll RT all attempts to finish it. The phrase is: “sudden onset skin cancer.” … GO!

I told her to take it one step at a time like AA. I don’t know why I brought up American Airlines and am glad she didn’t ask.

Ladies: throwing your man a surprise Father’s Day party is not a good way of telling him you’re pregnant. Trust me on this.

“Did you see the website about fisting and God’s will?” “…I didn’t realize that God left a will.”

Blake Foster has a tattoo across his chest that says “Only God Can Judge Me.” Sadly, God thinks that’s a stupid tattoo, too.

I don’t think they really wanted it. I think they just wanted to get a rise out of me… and they did. 😉

Some girls walk by giggling. One of them asks if I have a condom. I say, “I do, but it’s my last one, so we’re going to have to share it.”

They say you should never raise a fist in anger, which is why I’m glad punching always brings a smile to my face.

A problem with any political system is that it’ll inevitably be about personal relations. It’s all eventually just politics

People are gossiping to me. I don’t know whether to feel glad they’re not talking ABOUT me or worried this is the first time it’s happened.

I’m getting a tattoo of a Chinese character that means palindrome. I just wish I could tell which way was up.

He’s so fat, he got himself a leather jacket and now cows are extinct.

He’s so fat, he alone is responsible for high tide.

He’s so fat, they kicked him out of Sumo Wrestling for eating his opponent.

Doing lunges is such a pain in the butt.

Guy rule: no smiling in bathrooms, locker rooms, or showers. Especially if nudity is involved.

*ahem* I just searched ‘Switzerland’ and ‘neutral’ and now I feel very unoriginal. Did you know there’s a geopolitical joke in there?

Switzerland is winning. Man, I thought for sure the score would be neutral.

Crazy man, oil man, religious woman, homeless woman. You are the people of Amtrak. I’ll miss you. Let’s go to Maine next!

There’s no Mile High Club for trains. Possibly because Mile An Hour Club doesn’t sound so appealing.

Who knew it’d be so hard to make some of my close friends likeable as characters?

When being held as a hostage at gunpoint it is a much better idea to FAINT than it is to FEINT.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re riding the train and your window is facing the wrong side of the tracks?

I requested to follow @badresolution because I think he and I have a lot in common. Namely — photographers hate us.

He’s rough around the edges because he feels empty inside. He’s like a jagged donut.

#Mydickissobig, Hula hooping gives me whiplash.

#Mydickissobig, I would pole vault but I want to eventually land.

Now, now: there’s no sense calling him names. His own name is stupid enough.

Vuvuzela? I hardly know her! (ha ha ha ha ha)

Okay, no more spending until Europe. That’s okay– @pippki’s got my back.

I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. They sound very similar, though.

“She looks terrible in that picture.” “You obviously don’t watch America’s Next Top Model.” “Why? Because I’m straight?”

It’s not gossip, it’s research. I’m researching for my new, local gossip mag.

If Wilbur is going to fly first, then I don’t want to be Wright. (props to @Ch8rming)