It’s time to see the doctor lady. I’m hoping for good news. I don’t want to have surgery to reattach a tendon. That’s so lame.

I could tell it was a forgery because he signed his own death certificate.

Note to self: stop playing basketball with broken bones.

Note to self: stop working out with broken bones.

Oh, Mother Teresa… What a cocktease.

Damn it, who made this bra? Master Lock??

My housing in Vienna is near the Red Light district. Score! (No pun intended)

I remember when Jack broke the Bro code by refusing to bail me out of jail because his mom was coming home with groceries?

I’d streak, but then I’d probably trip over myself.

You know what my favorite Nirvana album is?….. Nevermind.

This band sounds like a combination of Weezer and suck.

When it’s this loud, they’re All silent but deadly.

I drew a crossword on my back and I was so confident I could do it, I solved it in tattoo.

It’s the Last Day of Classes, or LDOC. Soon there’ll be a Last Minute of Classes, or LMOC. And a Last Class of Classes.

I’m not getting any work done at home. Fuck it, I’m going to pack up and go to a bar. Maybe I won’t be distracted THERE. No Internet, see?

I cried at the end of Pay It Forward. But only because I was chopping onions at the time. And I cut myself. Bad.

I’m horrible at deduction. THEREFORE: I am generous lover.

The last thousand times I’ve used induction, I have failed miserably. That means that NEXT time I’m bound to succeed!

I guess I just don’t understand this show. Do non-wannabe serial killers like Dexter too?

I have invented the most horrible/greatest sandwich ever! Peanut butter, jelly, beans, and salsa! It’s like D-Day for your colon!

I’m drunk, but nobody is dialing…………….. I’m not sure I’m doing this right.

I’m studying on a Sunday afternoon. In other words, I’m daydrinking.

They say to mix this protein powder with your favorite drink. So I’m making myself an Irish Carbomb.

Eww. That guy would be good looking if he didn’t have a hairlip… I mean mustache.

I’m not a chump that buys Everything. I just told my girl to buy me a drink. “Just put it on my tab,” I said.

I think it would be unfortunate for an ice cream truck to be caught up in a funeral caravan.

Don Reo created Blossom. You might remember him as the creator of hit ’90s shows… Such as Blossom.

Gwenyth Paltrow should name her next kid Orange. Only… then she wouldn’t be able to compare her kids.

Bartender, do you have Diet Coke on tap? Or just bottled?

I love how nobody at the gym changes the channel. I’m going to get here early and set it to Oxygen more often!

It’s duck-rabbit season!

I hate it when people wake me up at a reasonable hour.

I don’t like alcohol, but always drink in social situations. I always succumb to Beer Pressure.

How sexist were the Muppets?? I even count Ms. Piggie as part of the sausagefest… For obvious reasons.

Chalupa is Mexican restaurant slang for “I forget what this is really called.”

Since I didn’t do so hot in undergrad, so I had to go back for another few years. Yeah, I’m in remedial grad school.

It’s like the truth, only falser.

Is it kosher to have a gift exchange for your birthday?

What is the sound of one man high-fiving? “Clap.”

I’m so much wittier if I can repeat a comment in my head for several hours. In other words, I’m funnier on twitter.

“I’m growing Mutton chops.” “… well, that’s a… decision.” “Well… that’s a… comment.”