The guy behind me is threatening to use greyhound from now on. #Amtrak #overheard #emptiestthreatever #transportationblowsjustdealwithit

In Florida. Boy am I ever glad to be at the Everglades… No. No I am not.

“Conductor said I should arrive there at 2 o’clock and I said, ‘oh, lord, I don’t think so.’” then… Did nothing. #Amtrak #overheard

“Now don’t get me wrong, I hate my ex-wife. Hate her. But I love my husband-in-law. He’s a straight-up guy. Straight-up.” #amtrak #overheard

I thought these things were supposed to be on time! Stupid nom-German engineers.. *ahem* I meant non-German, not nom-German. The latter just makes me sound like a cannibal.

Hey, Rose from the movie Titanic, whatever happened to Jack? Did you guys just lose touch?

How can a place be so humid that I’m drier when it rains than when it doesn’t??

The homeless here have made me so jaded, that I don’t even tip bartenders anymore. They’re just going to spend it on booze.

My friend invented the Hagop Number, which is the ratio of calories to alcohol in beers. I have just invented a similar metric: the ratio of calories to protein in local veggie food… For all the bodybuilder vegetarians, I guess

My #worldcup bracket is all 1-1 ties with a one point margin of error. I will NEVER LOSE!!

It’s so hot, I want to jump in a pool. But it’s so humid, that’d just be redundant.

I have a Botl brand water bottle. I named it Waltr. Waltr Botl.

Let’s play Russian Roulette, best of seven!

I asked myself: “do you want to wake up now?” I answered, “I don’t know, let me sleep on it.”

This morning I was so tired, if I’d had to choose between waking up and a revolver, I’m not sure what I’d’ve chosen.

The south is so humid I bathe and don’t get dry for hours. Back in Arizona, you get dry while still showering.

I support Breast Cancer Week. The breasts are my #2 and #5 favorite body parts on a woman.

People ask me if my temporary tattoo is real. I say, “For Now.”

I don’t tweet unless I have something brilliant or hilarious to say. So… I’ll see you all in two years.

I’m going to start carrying a marker and using it on all the $20s I get as change. See how they like it.

I should prepare a tweet in case I get into a car accident. Preferably one that’s not admissable in court.

Love isn’t blind, but sometimes it wears beer goggles.

I’m sorry if I smell like I’ve just finished playing basketball. It’s because I just got back from playing soccer.

There was an original event that caused me to become so mysterious. But I can’t tell you what it was…. it’s secret!

Curiosity killed the first cat. Morbid curiosity killed the second.

I like being negative. Or rather, I don’t like not being negative.

@Pixelation hates it when people refer to themselves in the third person and cite themselves extensively. (Pixelation 2010)

I just ran over here and MAN ARE MY LEGS TIRED!! 😀

I tell my friends that I’m making them characters in my book, but I don’t tell them that all of the characters die.

It’s Saturday night and the lady is out of town. I don’t particularly want to go out, but anything’s better than writing microfiction alone. … Actually, I take that back. I dig microfiction. I just don’t know why I chose…

You know you’re a grad student when… the difference between long-edge binding and short-edge binding is obvious to you.

I feel like I have something to say. It might just be indigestion, though.

This humidity reminds me of the old Web site stickdeath.com

It’s in the mid-90s and humid out. In other words, it’s hot as balls.

#Israel. What? Too political? I’m glad I didn’t go with the interrobang.

Canada makes me sick. Well… Made me sick.

Why do I keep forgetting I don’t speak French?

Old Indian Saying: You get more rabbits with a rifle than with a shotgun. Though I think I’d be just as scared of a rabbit with a knife…. Hare-trigger. Heh. *snort*

I’ll upload the rest of the list later. Birthday was fabulous. I have the awesome friends. Flying to Canada to present at a conference now. 2010-05-30 20:20:21 Flight canceled. Damn. NYC is not– apparently– one of the cities where I…

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me… 😀

I don’t think libertarians understand game theory.

My 47-hour birthday began 11 minutes ago. (I celebrate in all the time zones.) I await your presents.