I have Sesame Street smarts.

I love it when psychoanalysts fail. It gives me such schadenFreud.

‘Ja’ is German for ‘yes.’ It is also German for ‘yeah,’ ‘yup,’ ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘word.’

I made a linear plot that shows that my banging of your mom increases linearly as a function of time. …sorry if that joke was too graphic

I bet B.F. Skinner was emotionally unavailable.

Euro Super Friend Bash begins NOW. 😀

“JK!” She said, apologetically. “I’m Rowling.” I replied, sternly.

My air conditioner blows. It is so cold to me.

Btw, I leave for Europe tomorrow, am tripping on sweet drink and insomnia, and have a major paper due tonight. Twitter updates WILL follow..

Hour 24 of drinking Tab. I’ve made my way through 9 cans of it, slept 3 hours, and not yet peed. Also, I think I’m seeing pixelation irl….

It bothers me that my once new bed has stains on it now. I should stop eating pasta at night… while doing it.

I’m both sleepy and weary. The only other way I could be tired would be if my jokes had been done before.

Soggy biscuit is the kind of game in which you can come in first and yet still not win.

Forget traffic flow. I always drive more carefully when I see a police car nearby. For instance, I peel out in school zones much less often.

I’m pretty sure this Halloween I’m going to dress up as a straw man. Now I just need to figure out how to execute this appropriately.

Recently I got really into the soft drink Tab. I just keep ordering refills of it at the local bar. But I pay upfront because I hate puns.

@meznor – You got my Canada socks!!! Yey! I was in such a rush and I almost couldn’t do it, too!

When you make an obvious typo on an otherwise spot-on tweet, do you delete it and retweet it? I always fo.

Tweet and RT were on a boat. Tweet fell out. Who was left? RT.

Hey, I found my high school diploma! Just in time, too: I was out of toilet paper.

I know I said I knew every song by Cake, but that was a lie.

Silk carton says: “Nobody makes soy milk like we do.” Yes… that concerns me too.

Most of my best friends live in Australia. In fact, I could call Anson up Right Now… and wake him up.

Counting time, Toy Story was already 3D. Only still images are 2D.

The future is epilogue.

I was prejudiced against him before I met him. Now I’m postjudiced against him.

Gosh darn it, I like myself. Which sucks, because I thought I was a better judge of character than that.

My mother would always go to MADD meetings drunk.

If I’d have known today was going to be such a shit fest, I would not have worn white pants.

If you can’t beat ’em, BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!

Just being hungover outside the church and hearing the bells is torture. I wonder how the priest does it.

“I miss the movie Armageddon, because that was back when oil workers were doing something right!”

They didn’t have those toys when I was a kid. Or even when I was buying toys as an adult.

Well, the World Cup was fun while it lasted. What’s next? I think the US would play a lot better if the first ten minutes of a game were just warm up.

Red room spelled backward is ‘moorder.’

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on.

I don’t like tennis, but I do like sports.

My friend is having a literary character party. I don’t want to say I’m not going, so I’m just going to say I’ll go as the Invisible Man.

University alert says there’s a potentially armed man running around town today. Big deal! I’m both armed AND legged.

Pippki’s birthday is at such an inconvenient time of the year. Why couldn’t it be 365 days later? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

“Can I apply for a job here?” “Can you fill out this application?” “Sure.” “You’re hired.”

A bidet is like a friendly enema. It’s a frienema.

Bum: “Do you have any change?” Me: “Only for hundreds, I’m afraid.”

Some go to the gym because they hate their bodies. Others go because they love theirs. I go because I hate people that love their bodies.