Got a random present from my best friend today. A normal reaction would be thanks. For me, it was tears and a non-proportional counterstrike

Dear WebMD app: you should not open to the most recently searched for ailment. I swear, I looked up ‘Space Syphilis’ out of just curiosity!

Our results weren’t conclusive. Next time, we’re not going to have a single-blind, double-deaf study.

I throw a boardgame party, I become obsessed with boardgames. I throw a wine party, I become a wino. I should throw a key party.

I’m a bad Mexican. I forgot what day it was today.

Lesson why to not trust indexicals: before my office hours, I put a note on my door that said ‘back in ten minutes’ and left for the weekend

If I had a super power, I’d forgo flying for the ability to handle awkward situations well.

Too many RSVPs for my White Wine/Red Wine party. I need to alienate more friends or move to a bigger house.

I bet you Cujo’s bark was worse than his bite.

I wanna open up a temporary tattoo parlor. It would be a regular tattoo parlor, I’d just be a terrible business owner.

Holy crap! I’ve unknowingly been speaking prose my entire life! Either that or bad poetry.

This song pisses me off more than people who claim to like the ninja turtles but can’t remember which ones were which.

For Reverse Ramadan, I eat during the day and sleep at night. This is just my normal schedule, but I have a name for it now

Dear old guys in locker room. The order is dry junk, put on underwear, then talk. Not dry hair, dry space between toes, hang out nude, talk.

Bourbon & Boardgames party went well. Could have used more bourbon, though….

I don’t think you’re being a jackass on purpose, which is why it’s so impressive that you pull it off so well.

Shipping is $20, if you can handle that.

I’m the Cyrano de Bergerac of rejection.

I’m not questioning my sexuality. It’s an interrobang.

“of course I would sleep with him! Especially if he was 17.” -Gordon on Brad Pitt time traveling.

Philosophy Beach Camping Trip 2010!! Whoo!! Time to show off my tramp stamp temporary tattoo.

I just came up with a brilliant prank. I just need to buy a bag of cement mix and use your toilet for a bit… Oh. And nobody is coming to my house during the entire month of April.

Guys. Help me with this list. The title is “Movies that would have ended sooner with a smartphone.”

Yesterday was the end of Year Two. That could have… gone a lot better. Let’s hope we get things are better in Year Three.

Is there a memorial on the spot where the Donner Party was trapped? Would it be in poor taste to open an all-you-can-eat buffet next to it? … heh heh. Poor taste.

I’m so glad Burrito Boycott 2010 is over. That was harder than Lent and Ramadan combined!

I like playing famous chess games by grandmasters so that I can squander their very advantageous positions.

I don’t agree with your right to say it, but I’ll defend to the death what you actually said!

In whole, my over-alls are altogether good.

I was fired from my job as a waiter when I forgot to seat the Donner party.

I started P90x today and boy am I tired! Those instructions were looong!

I was literally being figurative.

I’m going to embroider my name on the back of your favorite shirt. I guess I’m just feeling crafty.

My neighbor just got burgled! And I think I heard it when it happened.. I feel useless.

“I don’t think you’re gullible.” “You DON’T?? … Oh.”

I just signed up for an etiquette class. Boo ya, motha fuckas!!

Skaters aren’t sexy! They skate for fun! Even I could skate for fun! … except it wouldn’t be that fun for me.

I look better in these glasses: it’s a stronger prescription.

Are you crazy like a fox? Or crazy like a… platypus?

Take my word for it. The word on the street is a swear word.

I need to stop taking things out on myself. It’s too expensive.

I need to buy a key locator device. I wonder if they make them in convenient keychain format.. :-/

That guy is trying to look like me, but he’s a hideous impostor… So, I guess he’s doing a good job.