My time is scheduled in microseconds this week. This is my burrito hour & six microseconds.

It’s helpful to keep your motivation in mind while exercising. For instance, I workout out of spite.

I think it’s time to give up on sleep or peace of mind. (p.s. ~emo doesn’t apply after 2 a.m.)

I don’t dress to impress, but at least I don’t dress to depress, either.

Suddenly, all is right with the world. Sorry I emoed out for five months guys. I’ll be back to normal soon.

“I’m from the most popular port city in south France.” “Oh, that’s Nice.”

Cryptic tweets are the best! … Or are they?

To be a hypocrite, you have to actually say something.

“For that job I am an equal opportunity employer.” – Park

Life lesson: never lean against the sink while washing your hands.

One needs not have responsibility to be responsible.

Saying ATM machine is too wordy. From now on, I’m just going to say ATMM.

I have an anger problem this time of year. Being out in the sun for very long just makes me so hotheaded.

The best dissertation defense is a good dissertation offense.

Price, Price! … Wait, is it cool if I call you Price? Are we on a last name basis yet?

Things that don’t bother me about beer: bad for liver, empty calories, affects sleep quality, dehydrates. Things that do: contains estrogen

Having a good memory has brought me nothing but profit and pain.

Let’s just say I wouldn’t choose her as a target if I were a thief, rapist, or killer… Definitely not if I were a rapist.

I should stop taking out my sword to answer the door, but how else should I deal with the FedEx guy or Jehovah’s Witnesses?

It’s my brother’s birthday today. I’m going to spend the day trying to come up with an excuse for why I didn’t call him.

I love coming to a place where everybody knows your face.

“How’ve you been?” she asked. “Surviving,” he lied.

Note to self: next St. Paddy’s day, bring food coloring.

Sorry, we don’t have Miller Lite, but we can pee into a cup for you, if you like.

If I were a lawyer who just made partner, I’d yell “Giddyup!”

2(Wrongs) ? Right . Good to know. They also don’t equal “fish.” What I wanna know is what Does equal Right.

I used to be glad I made all my worst mistakes with people I never really saw again. Now I wonder if that means something…

What are white hairs doing on my scalp?? I thought my epidermal apartheid policy was fairly clear, follicles!

I think it’d be more impressive if Superman could leap tall buildings in multiple bounds. Leaping isn’t cumulative!

I wish citation numbers were corrected for relevant fraction of paper cited.

“Are you guys dating now?” “No, we’re holding hands now. We date in the evenings.”

I’m glad I have friends that prevent me from being irrational sometimes. But where were you all on Pi Day??

I just don’t get this explanation of humor.

That TV show on design is so gawdy.

This article on creativity is the same old thing.

This book on writing has too many typos.

I have successfully cooked pasta! Kids: Tonight we eat like kings.

My response to the census is required by law? My warning letter said no such thing! I feel unprepared.

I like going to the gym and asking bodybuilders if they mind if I change the channel from ESPN to Dora the Explorer.

Is too little too soon worse than too much too late? You’ll have to ask your mom. (OH!!)

I prefer to think of it as driving while texting.

What was Neurath’s boat transporting? Boat parts?

I keep getting stuck at square one. Time to go back to square zero.

I was worried whether Daylight Savings Time affected Pi Moment until I realized this is the most contrived holiday ever.

My heart didn’t just skip a beat: it dropped out altogether!