My friend @mablicia declared me one of her top ten favorite people in the world. Egads! I’m not worthy of such an honor!

I need a hip flask. Either that, or the location of a good AA group.

Yo momma’s so fat, her skin is at capacity!

Yo momma’s so fat, her BMI is three digits!

The penis:people looking for porn:normal people ratio of chat roulette is too high for my tastes.

Q: As a clinical psychologist, how do you get yourself to not take your problems home with you? A: Xanax. Lot’s of Xanax.

Q: As a clinical psychologist, how do you get yourself to not take your problems home with you? A: Oh, I have a locker.

When people get lost in the woods, they wander around in circles. My mind is lost in the woods.

Why do all my workouts end with an “I hope I don’t die while doing this” set?

Being social is hard work. And the pay is lousy. Benefits, however? Those are quite good.

Canada wins. I guess I’ll just have to wait longer for revenge for the War of 1812.

I have never used the words ‘scantily’ or ‘clad’ by themselves. I realize this now and it saddens me.

Someone should apply the scantily clad cheerleader holding a car wash sign to bake sales.

Here’s a scary thought: all asteroids are a stone’s throw away.

If I could throw a stone two blocks, I’d live a stone’s throw away from my office.

I’m taking a vacation day off being a vegetarian. It’ll be my first in six years. I hope I won’t have to use my sick days after..

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need to start doing it to other people.

It’s a bad idea to go to sleep angry. It’s a worse idea to go to sleep dead.

You know what doesn’t help you go to sleep? Thinking about sleep. Also, thinking about that dumb bitch that broke your heart

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But then if you do, it’s hard to tell what the people closest to you are.

Happiness isn’t at the end of a bottle, but maybe forgetting is.

I’m going to have fun if it makes me miserable!

Is there such a thing as men having sympathy menstrual cramps? No? Oh, jeez… I need a doctor.

There’s nothing natural about log.

Bill Maher is back! Time to make up for the anti-vaccination conspiracy talk last year.

I follow over a hundred philosophers and two porn stars. Is it bad that I find as much insight in the latter as the former?

I finished reading a book that has yet to be published! … I think I’m doing this wrong.

I really dig treasure.

Have you ever tried to give yourself a pep talk and you accidentally say the wrong name?

Time to go out and convince women to pay attention to me.

Nighttime irrationality hit early today. I’m going to treat this with a nap.

My undergrad didn’t have an honor code, so naturally everyone cheated, murdered, and disgraced their family.

Too many women smiling at me today. How is it they can always tell?

You’re getting older now. You’re going to keep getting hit on by 40-year-old chicks more and more. It peaks at 40, then it trails off a bit.

The least I could do was stay home all day sleeping. This was next least.

I’ve grown used to the check engine light. It comforts me. It’s like my car has a broken heart. It’ll be okay, little guy.

Shoot.. This top ten hugger list is going to be harder than I thought. I must put some consideration into this.

Hm. I think I’m going to rate my all time favorite huggers. @Mablicia and @nikithestampede are both on my top ten for sure..

Robowomen are too hard to design. We should just give regular women lobotomies.

This might be an unpopular thing to say, but insurance companies are poopoo heads.

I only moderate in binges.

I only binge in moderation.

Binge anything sounds bad. Binge eat, binge drink, binge workout, binge childbirth.

Why does every press feel like it’s going to crush my windpipe?