Me in 2007: “I’m going to continue my soul searching until. . . Oh, wait, nevermind. I just found it. It was hiding under a sock.”

Is that why she doesn’t show pictures of herself on Facebook? “Yeah, dude. Do you know how expensive it is to get a satellite image?”

All Cretans are liars. What? Is that offensive if you’re not a Cretan?

“Brown recluse bites are the worst bites you can get in New Mexico.” “Really? Worse than shark bites?”

I tried to high five the mirror, but missed.

Student status message: “My papers: Incessent absences of coherency cloaked under falsely presumed sprouts of profundity. Low quality shit.”

Is it bad form to bury a time capsule in a cemetery? What if it’s dark and nobody’s looking?

Ooh, my most favrd tweet has now been starred six times! … not that I care about that sort of thing… Please love me.

Elbridge Gerry is the namesake of the word Gerrymandering. He was also the first vice president not to run for president… because he died

Conversation – much better than Inversation.

Why does everyone pay attention to my bald spot? What about all the other spots of my head that aren’t bald??

I was like you when I was your age… Only I was younger.

“I’m sick.” “You want Tea? Let me get you some.” “Nooo.” “I have to get up to get you Tea.” “I want You!” “No, that’s the NEXT letter!” 🙂

If you want me to stay just say it. Say anything? It doesn’t even have to be a word, you could just say a vowel. “Y?”

CCing – for use when cutting straight through bureaucracy.

Today is Time Capsule Day! Wherein I make a time capsule to represent my life this year and bury it.

I was so poor, I sold my hair to buy a comb.

It might seem like I was responsible, but I didn’t even notice the kid was missing! So… How responsible could I be?

Here is a six word story: Peter Godfrey-Smith killed our reading group.

If sitcoms end seasons on dramatic cliffhangers, TV dramas should end seasons just before a big punchline.

My friend can spell any word while blindfolded. There’s no reason that should be any more impressivethan normal, but it so is.

I like to be an ass and tell my students that I’m really busy this week, but can meet with them after finals.

New year’s resolution for me: quit subtly insulting you. For you: to be less jolly.

Have you ever had your life flash before somebody else’s eyes?

:'(

Apparently it is always a bad idea to ask a woman if she is in line for the men’s room.

I sometimes lie, but I never meta-lie. Okay, sorry. That was a meta-meta-lie.

There will never be a Darwin for the blade of a razor.

When you ask a question while engaging in heavy rhetoric, does that make it rhetorical? Just a hypothetical.

The renaissance may have started it, but it was the enlightenment that really ended the dark ages. 🙂

I’ve never been so reluctant to wake up for a 4:50 p.m. class.

Why is shopping for glasses impossible to do online? I expect this from soup, toilet paper, and escorts, but GLASSES?

Why does every eyewear specialist insist on putting me in nerd glasses?

Nobody ever asks people to cheer then stops and says they are satisfied with the enthusiasm of the first cheer.

Why would prisoners even get caught in an iterated prisoner’s dilemma? That just seems either cruel or foolish.

When writing a paper or dealing with personal issues, your best friend is more time. But your worst enemy is also more time

That’s as unsatisfying as the ending to Chasing Amy!

“Today I made peace with the possibility that MY cause of death might not be listed as “kung fu”. *sigh* Frig, wait! No I didn’t!”

Starve a cold, feed a fever, drink a hangover.

Yey! My cranberry sauce possibly doesn’t suck.

The revolution will not be televised. So no sense setting your TiVo.

Infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will eventually rewrite Shakespeare. Or just one monkey and a REALLY good editor.

Why does everyone call me a megalomaniac? Is it because I’m so awesome?

I’m going to fast all day in order to exercise poor judgment at dinner time.