Dear Animal Farm: I do not think equal means what you think it means.

Van Leeuwenhoek discovered spermatozoa in 1677. How did he get a sample to look at under a microscope? …think about it.

Saw a talk today with science so soft it purred.

Science says that I’m more likely to trust people that I think find me attractive. … so… no one.

I really like Slate Magazine’s XX Factor podcast whenever they have a male panelist. You know: for legitimacy.

I’m trying to decide between two unappealing options: wear a sweater every single day this winter or gain a lot of weight.

I think I need psychological counseling for my irrational fear of sigmas. Either that or a math class.

I’m lucky that when I fell off my bike I was wearing a helmet. I’m doubly lucky that I also didn’t hit my head.

The women may have won the Battle of the Sexes, but we Men will win the War.

Grading essays. Ugh. I think I’m just going to become a logician so I don’t have to deal with this ever again. … I’m assuming I’ll be a famous logician that only has to teach one logic class per semester.

Customer Service called to ask if I was happy with their customer service. I was. Until you called.

YESS!!! I didn’t kill or trap the mouse, I just sent him away to my downstairs neighbor. Problem Solved!

Everything is ruined forever.

Drunk dialing ex-girlfriends is always a bad call. (Credit to @lallyandreevna)

I’m thinking of doing a creative challenge a week in 2010 – the Year of Living Creatively? Art, music, etc. Who wants to partake?

Whenever I present on the 3-Page Gettier paper, I think I’ll include it as a footnote to my handout.

My friend @nikibot says she hasn’t had a decent hug since I left. 🙂

Why is it ‘cease and desist’? What if I want to cease, but not desist. Or maybe ‘sist and decease’?

I think Miss Ogeny just needs to find herself a good man that won’t beat her too often.

I’m mad the rat got into my breakfast foods. That’s right: I’m grumpy because somebody peed on my Cheerios.

Whatever happened to Sisqó? I thought he really had something with that ‘Thong Song’

stupid twitter keeps reactivating my facebook without my permission.

I wonder what Shirley Temple orders when she goes into a bar. I bet she gets hammered.

White Russian Corn Pops = Huge Success!

Someone should make a “Best of the Kids in the Hall” episode. I’d watch it. I have six minutes to spare.

I’ve got to sober up, I’m driving to the bar.

As a ratio of time investment to cultural relevance, The Kids in the Hall has got to rank relatively low.

If I were omnipotent, I think it’d be within my power to be omniscient.

I’m going to be sad for the next few days, okay Twitter? It’s not personal, it’s just… well, I can’t say: it’s personal.

There’s a mouse in my house and pain in my brain.

Man, I’ve been waiting for Coming Out day for months! So who wants to Come Out with me? … to the park?

If Socrates was so good, why did he never publish?

You represent Jesus with a t-shaped cross. Can you represent God with an upper case T?

Getting invited to parties is Grood. That is, it’s Great if it happens before midnight, but just Good if it happens after.

The father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild is going to pose for Playgirl. I hope he realizes most of their readers are gay men.

Every five or six years my birthday lands on a Friday. But it never seems to land on a 30th.

Man, I’m 0 for 3 of the Nobel Prizes thus far. There’s only Economics, Literature, and Peace left. Come on Bernanke, Rowling, and Jong-il!