My goal for this semester is to not hang myself with a belt. You know me: I love challenges.

Mac Store says they mailed my rebate and it might take 7-10 days. Yeah, right- If they ship it via “Absolutely No Priority” mail.

Whoa. I just remembered this one time when I had deja vu. Weird.

Noon Monday September 7, 2009: The moment I finally felt like I belonged in grad school. @narfna – I had a conversation with a guy I hope will be my advisor and he said I had several ideas nobody’d said…

The Ouija board needs a spot for “Pseudoquestion.” Otherwise, I’ll just keep asking it when it’ll stop beating its wife.

Macbook Airs are so thin you can fit them into a manila envelope. But I don’t need a Mac to do that- I just need bigger manila envelopes.

I’m going to go ahead and retweet my last tweet. Only I’ll try to stay under 140 characters this time.

Teach the debate. But also teach the resolution.

My theory of denotation prevents you from refering to any object unless you’re pointing at it and saying the word “THIS.”

Pseudoquestion: “It’s six o’clock EST. What time is it on the sun?” Pseudoanswer: “noon.”

What’s my background? This wall right here.

If you repeat a word after a sentence, it adds extra emphasis to that word in the sentence. . . In.

Drunk driving < drunk biking < bike texting < bikehead

I propose we measure stress in follicles. A normal day will be 400 fo. and the most stressful day ever will be 0 fo.

Eating a burrito. Why do people still make other foods? To find out which one is second best?

Is the Bro property transitive? That is, is the bro of my bro also my bro?

The End of Inquiry will be Saturday, September 19th. Please have your papers ready for publication.

Road Rage is so much more fun than Plane Gluttony or Jogger Lust.

My friend Simon is always saying, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Yes, this is what my friend Simon says.

You know how a small percentage of the population is resistant to HIV? Is this also true for zombies? Why have we never seen that movie?

I’m not an armchair philosopher. I’m more of a hammock scientist.

I forget, is this a state where you can go forward on a red light?

I’ve yet to see a detective movie that makes appropriate use of the google.

Do I have to return this both spick AND span?

If a chimp pees on its handler, signs the word “Funny,” then snorts, does that count as humor? Because it makes me laugh.

My logic has no law of non-contradiction… And it does.

Quick! Someone go out and tickle a chimpanzee and tell me whether they laugh!

Kierkegaard- ‘You have to be a little more than queer [if you laugh alone]’ Ha ha– aw, crap.

A nuanced position on the death penalty: I have nothing against killing people, I just don’t trust 12 of my peers to make that decision.

I only read Newsweek for the centerfold.

Wait, are you even allowed to sign your own death warrants??

Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is “How do I punch my way out of this situation?”