People get mad at me for not elaborating on my updates. But I’m okay with that. I guess I’m just a guy who likes to quip it and quit it.

I’m significantly worse on the phone than in any other medium. That’s why I negotiate all my ransoms via text message.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying” is a brilliant expression. But oh, so very false.

“People made fun of her because she was poor, which I thought was just in poor taste.”

My laptop is overheating because it’s powering an external fan designed to cool overheating laptops.

When somebody warns you that they have gained significant amounts of weight, I don’t know what the right response is, but “HOW??” isn’t it.

I’m trying to start a fire, but the wind keeps blowing it out. Oxygen is bullshit. Does anyone have any phlogiston?

My friend got mad at me for not eating before I donated blood today. But in my defense, 4 p.m. is really early for breakfast.

Do you think there were calories in that blood I just gave? Like, A Lot? Because I’m planning on binging on burritos and booze tonight.

Man, that show started off halfway over the shark!

I need to work out more of my ontology- it’s not robust enough.

Him: “I’m pretty sure they canceled To Catch a Predator.” Me: “I bet YOU’RE relieved!” Ha! I burned my dad good on that one!

High schoolers are on campus. It’s either the Talent Identification Program or To Catch a Predator is preparing for Sweeps.

They tell you not to drink alcoholic beverages after you give blood, but they don’t tell you how much more effective it is afterward.

Red cross question: “Have you ever had an accidental needle stick.” Does the one you just gave me to test my iron count?

I’m O+ and today I got talked into giving two units of red blood cells. I feel like such a diphthong.

Whenever I’m driving and I see people cross the street warily, I pretend I’m a car in Frogger and continue at a steady speed.

I was told today that you burn 40% of your calories by thinking… which makes me think I should stop watching the View.

I’ve solved the social security problem. It involves mandatory euthanasia, though. Is that okay?

Life lesson – there is no such thing as being “so obviously pregnant.”

I have so many widgets on my dashboard that let me quickly and easily do so many things! Now, if only I could load it in less than an hour.

There is a culturally transmitted secondary meaning of ‘meme’ as a forwarded quiz or list. Is that other meaning itself a meme?

I’ve decided not to start a business as a freelance copyedit6r.

When I go back over papers, my notes don’t remind me of what I read, but they do tell me what snarky things I was thinking about the author.

Just finished watching Wall•E. Don’t you just hate it when the bad guys win?

I’m finally caught up with e-mails. I’m not one to brag, but this is more rare than a poorly cooked unicorn.

Since when does “>>” mean much greater than? I always thought it just meant it had been forwarded twice.

Finally stocked up on mexican candy. How i missed that unique combination of sugar, chile, and lead.

Say what you want about Judas, but he got a heck of a deal!

You would think vampires would get more blood-borne pathogens.. Why haven’t we seen that movie?

Some people are ardently against public breast feeding. Some are for it. I decide on a case-by-case basis.

How is it that a movie with the name “UP” can bring me DOWN?

Why do my friends back home use the TED talks for evil?

“Epistemological Hot Potato” would be a good name for a band, journal article, or first-born child. Well… maybe not a band.

It is possible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Unless, of course, you’re currently wearing your boots. Then you’re just being silly.

Time to hit the books… I guess we just have an abusive relationship. I hit them because I love them.

They say you’re your own worst critic. If that’s the case, I’m set: because I give myself four stars!