I have now stayed off facebook for one week. This is longer than I’ve been off methamphetamines.

“I’ve been to college before, I know what an LDOC is! …. is it a fish?”

Oh, dear sweet jesus. My paper’s thesis has just been invalidated by the data. And I have to turn it in tomorrow… time to swallow pills

Bargain Closeout! All Bachelors must Go! Go! Go!!

Jeez, why is everyone getting married all of a sudden?

Okay – Tonight’s frustration is brought to you by: Impending Deadline, Way too big a Topic, Mountain Dew, and Viewers Like You.

@ascottwhite – “You can’t soundbite everything” would be a good soundbite.

I am therefore I think is when you put Descartes before De Horse.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “René, would you like a drink?” Descartes says, “I think not,” and instantly vanishes.

Gödel was a very repetitive, foul-mouthed person. You might even say he was RECURSIVE. 🙂

I am god’s regift to women.

We got all of the prospectives we (I) wanted! Next year’s class is going to be great!

In accordance to the principle of charity, I’ve decided to ignore your argument altogether.

I’m glad that google scholar is on my top ten most visited sites. Surprised, but glad.

I’ve got the worst hangover. This is what I get for getting drunk on life.

Silly Catholic church, ALL Fridays are Good Fridays.

The emperor is wearing the same new clothes I am, but he looks so much better in them than I do.

I understand black bars above and below a movie. I understand black bars to the left and right of a movie. But all four??

Thank you guys so much for all of the birthday wishes!!!!!

All of the vehicles I seem to be a part of have an odd number of wheels.

While driving, I accidentally cut someone off. He shouted, “asshole!” I shouted back, “Fundamental Attribution Error!”

A decade-long mystery just solved itself today. Now: a nap. That’s right: I’m the laziest detective ever. Batman just tries too hard.

There is a possible world in which the actual world is a plausible world. Discuss.

I’m too drunk to drive. But luckily, I’m not too drunk to drunk drive.

The worst part of being broke is that I now feel guilty when I buy and eat a burrito.

I’m only going to be $250 short of my goal this month! That would be good news if my goal was not “survive the month.”

In honor of Earth Day, I say we all start some April Carpools.

In two weeks, we find out which prospies are coming to Duke and which ones are going to other April Schools.

This is the time of the year when I become a rebel. I’m going to break all of the April Rules.

When I was in New Mexico, this was about the time I started swimming in April Pools.

This is the thirty-day period in which most gems are sold. It seems people really like April Jewels.

The easter bunny died. There’s nothing scarier than April Ghouls.

Spring is broken. It looks like I’m going to need some April Tools.

I’m in a triple-blind study. I mean, I think I am, there’s really no way to tell.

Sure I have self-control, but do I have self-variable? I mean, what’s on the Y-axis?

I’m doing my taxes. Now, I Know I shouldn’t be dividing by zero so much, but should my net income really be higher than my gross?

The fact that the camera adds ten pounds was a major factor in my not becoming a photographer.

Just assigned readings for my presentation this week. I was tempted to assign the complete works of Melville.

My March Madness Bracket For the Win!… no, literally.

Keeping 75% of your income? Isn’t that a bit much, @PeterSinger?

*Phew!* I made it past Maxwell’s Demon. Now to go back to the other side… OH, NOES!!!

Here’s a good prank- go into somebody’s gps and change all of their favorites so that they point to coordinates that are three miles east.

Can you say grace ironically?

Damn facebook and their damn privacy settings…. Arg! If stalking is wrong, then maybe I just don’t understand social networking.

In Barcelona, where the median age is a statutory violation. This is an incremental step from Venice, where the median age was postmortem.