Do you mind if I call you dude? Or should I stick with Mr. Dude?

Can something be an elaborate farce if you just threw it together with duct tape and spackle? This is the question America wants answered.

Time is money, but you’ll notice that the reverse is not true.

Note: If you are drunk and your friends are taking you home, you can call ‘shotgun,’ but it is inadvisable for you to call ‘driver.’

He died of autoerotic asphyxiation. But at least he died doing what he loved.

It’s not everyday that you get to hang out with Gil Harman.. Although I guess it is for him.

I want to stop and smell the roses, but I just don’t have the time.

Boo emotivism!

Some people light their cigars with $100 bills. But I’m so rich, I light my cigars with checks for $1000.

Remember when they used to say we’d never elect a black president? Well, guess what? As of right now- we are halfway there!

I’ve had a joke ready for months and now I finally get to use it. Stay tuned to this channel in the morning for some hilarity.

My new concept novel hit a crippling bump today. How do you write something when you have no possible way of knowing where it’s going?

I have a roommate!? In related news- i’m no longer broke!?

I have deduced that induction is wrong, but I have inductive support that deduction is useless!

Nothing I say is to be air quoted without my permission.

How do you shift into work mode? I just can’t seem to get into gear. Maybe I should have gotten my transmission looked at over the break.

“Every day each of us says the dumbest thing we are going to say that day.” Can I have seconds?

“Did you like how I verbed that word?”

I need — my timing.– to work on––

Next time I run into a person with a useful profession, I’m going to say, “Engineering, huh? What are you going to do with that? Teach??”

Yes, I’m pursuing a higher education, but it’s a low-speed pursuit.

I have a round of Swiss cheese that is composed entirely of holes.

He doesn’t know why he always talks about himself in the third person.

Hey, I just realized that this season of 24 is going to be its seventh. That’s right, it is now officially 24

Despite my nostalgic love for his movies, I think I just realized that John Hughes is actually a pretty terrible filmmaker.

I’m constantly amazed with how many people avidly look forward to my updates. It’s humbling, really. Or possibly the opposite of humbling.

They say youth is wasted on the young, but I say experience and financial stability is wasted on the old.

From now on, the memo line on all of my checks will say, “this note is illegal tender.”

Dessert-adjusted utility, not desert-adjusted utility. I think I’ve been living my life all wrong.

From everybody to grandmother inclusive is wearing this outfit.

Dear basketball fans, I hereby register my favour for the team whose name I have conveniently displayed prominently on my chest.

My life is so cyclical that this quote scares me: “That is the nature of tragedy – That it just keeps going on.” -David Simon

I have too many resolutions and not enough resolve.

“What’s it like being bipolar?” “Oh, it has its ups and its downs.”

I need to learn how to tell the difference between white people.

I accidentally double-booked my time management class.

I’m humming along to John Cage’s 4’33”

I have a new Moleskine and yet I have nothing to say. I was going to put mine on lifeonmoleskine.com before I realized I didn’t qualify.

I’m home. And I officially lost my camera. And, strangely, I couldn’t care less.

We’re the same, you and me, except I’m different.