I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of Fermat’s last theorem, which this tweet is too narrow to contain.

People get angry with me for suggesting the legal age of concent should also have a ceiling.

WHY WON’T PEOPLE STOP CALLING ME?? Don’t you just hate it when everybody loves you and nobody hates you?

This is fun and depressing! I missed 9.

Four hours without checking facebook. This must be what quitting crack is like. Only worse. Because it’s happening to ME.

There is nothing funnier than when jokes fail miserably……. except sometimes when they succeed beyond your wildest expectations.

Cannot switch out of thunderbird. It seems all e-mail clients suck slightly more. 🙁

look at me still talking when theres science to do…i’ve experiments to run there is research to be done on the people who are still alive.

I’ve decided to change the endings of fables in order to change the moral they teach. Chicken Little? Sane. Hansel und Gretel? Punk kids.

Self-imposed facebook ban is driving me up the wall.

I gave up on firefox and now I’m giving up on thunderbird. I feel une1337. I’m doing flock for the moment for its RSS capabilities, but I’ve been fooling around with Chrome, too. But at least I’m not going back…

#6wordepitaph – He laughed in danger’s face. LaughED.

#6wordepitaph “He’s survived by his enemies… obviously.”

In her defense, pretty much everyone would look ridiculous if they were dancing alone in daytime without music. In her offense: it wasn’t.

The fact that VM patients cannot prevent themselves from making bad choices just shows that people with brain damage do stupid things.

This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.

I’m a bad person and this illness is my karmic retribution. Also: germ theory of disease.

Playing that suicide song on repeat. Care to join me? It’s called “Gloomy Sunday”

I’m not sure if I’m doing this right. Aren’t you supposed to get LESS sick as time goes by?

Holy crap!! I FINISHED paper No. 2!! Now I just have to start paper No. 3 from scratch and add a whole bottle of “unsuck” to paper No. 1.

Here’s a question: How much does a time machine cost? Can I put it on layaway and pay it off with interest accrued over thousands of years?

I wish I could see two generations into the future to see if I’d led the good life.

I’m at a taco bell with a sanitation score of 101. Should reassure me, but doesn’t. What scale are they using??

flu’d.

It’s okay if i always compare myself to other people, other people do it too.

Shopping with mom. Or: how i learned to stop worrying and love the revolver.

My dreams are a very low-budget affair, populated by a cast of extras and strangers playing the roles of my friends.

Four hours, five hundred dollars, and no health improvements later and the lesson is- if your child gets sick, buy ear plugs and lock the door.

These guys are as efficient as the american auto industry.

It’s harder to check out of here than the hotel california.

My tummy hurts. I’m going to check into the cafeteria wing of this hospital.

Man, i’m glad we beat the rush. I’d hate to be stuck at the hospital on Black Friday.

Nephew’s got steroids to lessen the swelling on his airways. Muscle mass, baldness, and increased aggression are just a bonus!

You know the saying “time heals all wounds?” I think that’s this hospital’s entire treatment plan.

‘member when my parents had to bring Me to the hospital? Sigh….. That was not fun for anyone.. Why didn’t I have an ironic uncle?

“Has he come into contact with any SARS patients? What about live poultry?”

In hospital. Nephew sick. Sister-in-law worried It’s the consumption.

How do you tell someone that they’re a bad father, an awful husband, a terrible person, stupid, AND going bald? Does Hallmark have a card?

There is a 1:1 Ratio between desire to go out in the cold for fresh air and desire for a cigarette.

Happy Tofurkey Day Tofeveryone!

“We’ve tried a president with your IQ, now let’s try one with mine.”

My brother says he voted for McCain because he thought Obama was too much like Bush. Wow. Just wow.

Hey, i’m away from my home, let me know if I get burgled, yeah?

With mom. Wow i missed having these three conversations on repeat.