The calendar says “University Holiday,” but I read “Slow buses, shorter library hours, and no burritos.”

No matter how distant your thoughts are, you should never ask if this is as good as it gets while on the toilet.

Life lesson: a bum will ask for change. A junkie will ask for ten dollars.

So I failed (miserably) at 24-hour comic day. Very well. I have a new New Year’s Resolution: to finish a 24-page comic book.

“(mumble, mumble, mumble) …Sorry, just thinking out loud.” “Is that why you’re usually so quiet?”

Just wrote a 24-page comic script. 3k words. Who knew it would take more than a page? I’m not going to get even close to finishing this..

What the hell? I thought 24-hour comic day was October 24th! Not October 3rd! Guess how I’m going to spend the day today? Sad, probably.

Words philosophy has ruined for me: valid, metaphysics, rigid, moral, ethical, possible, necessary, and sexy.

I am thankful for the little things. For instance: I’m glad there’s an outbreak of Swine Flu and not Swine Herpes.

Somebody write this down- I’m hungry, near a food court and I DON’t feel like a burrito… I’m scared.

Why do philosophers who study metaphysics call themselves metaphysicians? Shouldn’t it be metaphycisists? We’re not diagnosing doctors.

I know Batman doesn’t kill, but why can’t he maim or paralyze?

Good adaptive question: why do camels have humps? Bad adaptive question: Why are camels so ugly?

Fun tip: you can boost your citations yourself! “As I said in one of my earlier papers, X.” (then you cite every paper you’ve ever written)

Whoever said “Nobody can love you until you love yourself” was a liar. Also: didn’t have a puppy.

When I saw that a Tsunami near Samoa and “Google Wave” were both trending topics, I thought that Google had finally gone too far: but no.

Hulu says the name of last week’s episode of “House” was “Broken.” Oh, no, I’m amused.

I like referencing past jobs and hobbies because nobody can verify them. “I used to be a traffic cop/junkie/kangaroo.”

I’m glad nobody’s ever thought to underline sentences on the first and last pages of articles before. That would be scandalous.

“I slept with your best friend.” “But YOU’RE my best friend. My only other friend is my mother!” “Well.. So then I slept with your two b …

How dare my local burrito place be late to open! They act as if nobody had camped out waiting for them!

Gay Pride parades must really irritate Fundamentalists. Celebrating a deadly sin? Humpff! Might as well have a Gay Lust parade!

I can’t wait until 2010, so we can spend an entire year celebrating the 150th anniversary of the second edition of the Origin of Species.

Do you suppose one could get a cheap car by calling a towing company and paying the towing fee?

Instructions say “Meet down the hill.” but they don’t realize that there are many ways down a hill. Most of them painful.

I was about to go to a party for two hours because they had free subs until I realized that I can afford a sandwich.

How do you become a superhero if you don’t have super powers, training, talents, or any spare time?

Ran away from a guy with a gun yesterday, friend’s car was broken into today.. Durham is going to hell. The handbasket is on layaway.

Okay, I need everyone to RSVP, s’il vous plait.

Lady just told me that the university has a golf club. But that doesn’t seem like nearly enough.

I just got a letter my mom sent Sept 19. Is it bad that I’m disappointed she didn’t write like a pirate?

Immitation is the sincerest form of pretending.

This tweet _Should_ be more normative than it is.

Okay, so I’m the first result when you Google my name. My next life goal is to be the first result when you Google _Scholar_ my name.

The more I think about my parody of a metaphysical view– that everything is a primitive when it’s convenient to me– the more it moves me.

Yo mama’s so fat, she’s TWO orders of magnitude above the standard deviation.

Seriously? We’re in the year 2009. Who still makes non-twist off caps??

Itunes Genius is trying to get me to kill myself.

I just saw Beyoncé’s music video.. It’s okay, I guess.

The x-men should also take in mutants with deleterious mutations. After all, for every cyclops there’s a… Cyclops.

I want to cowrite a paper with someone. I’ll provide all of the vowels.

I’m going to start two journals called “Sceince” and “Natrue” and publish anything people send me as long as they pay me $50.

By sheer ratio of citations to total career word count, I think we should declare Ed Gettier the most effective philosopher ever.

Someone please tell the following joke to Saul Kripke: “Did you hear that Homer didn’t write the Odyssey? Some other blind Greek poet did.”