Carving out an hour of time is so much harder than carving out sixty minutes.

Why is it that there are no Native American barber shops? Is it because white people’d be afraid that they’d take too much off the top?

Other people on Facebook got the updated privacy policy message today, right? They’re not just mad at me, are they?

Erratum- the preceding article was firmly debunked immediately prior to submission.

I think I broke Facebook. I’ve started a ‘friend tournament’ on facebook over who gets to hang out with me. It’s fabulous.

You got me to watch 20 hours of television this week. Not many people can do that. Just you and the editors of TV Guide.

I got my pet rock when it was just a wee little pebble.

What do you feed a pet rock? Not paper, surely. What about scissors?

I taught my pet rock how to play dead. Fetch is proving much more difficult.

My pet rock got rabies… I had to put it down.

I don’t like meteor showers, I prefer baths.

“Hey Lady, how do you know your child isn’t an Adult molester??”

You don’t look fat in those pants, but you sure look jolly! 🙂

“It’s okay, it’s not domestic abuse: I’ve never seen this kid before in my life!”?

I’m at the first Duke basketball game of the season and the score is insane to embarrassing.

I need an aspirin. I’m in so much C-Fibers firing.

Chairlift’s “Bruises” is probably my favorite song at the moment. This is tweetworthy because… shut up, that’s why.

I’m a zeroeth wave feminist. That is, a misogynist.

No mail the past three days. I blame the rain for keeping my mailman from his appointed rounds.

They should make candy corn using real cane sugar instead of this very artificial cornsyrup.

What’s the point of a hug where the person still has floating ribs left uncracked?

Does Memory Lane intersect with Sesame Street? I think it does.

Philosophical Zombieland #philosophyhorrormovies

I’m not into role playing, but I can pretend.

I don’t like domestic abuse. I prefer mine imported.

I should add “if you didn’t want me to” when I say “I would never tell anyone anything you told me.” Otherwise, I’m just a bad secretary.

I need to find a way to incorporate eating a gajillion Halloween candies into my calorie tracker.

Next Halloween I’m going to wear a belt and a pair of suspenders. I have determined that.

My understanding halves for every character I find that’s not a part of a language I speak. Why aren’t there math equations that use an ñ?

My phone sends messages arbitrarily. I just sent “I see u” to a friend I saw walking. I hope she gets it before she goes home to take a bath

My eyes have just been opened by @FakeAPStylebook to the world of people I can mock because they don’t have Internet access

Shoot! I only have 180 days left of qualifying under my mother’s health insurance! Quick: Someone break my legs!

A good extortionist knows how much he can charge. Crown Honda of Durham is not a good extortionist.

Sigh. I’m so emo right now I could wear eyeliner.

Why am I always so tired Friday mornings? Is it because I always stay up Thursday nights to write my weekly response? Yes.

Just made a highly inaccurate l1st of philosophy grad students. I’ll add you/delete you if you let me know what you are.

A lot of my Twitter friends are sending me some links. I’d better click on them just to be safe.

In the past week, I’ve gotten more phone calls from people asking me for money than I have from real people. Sad.

I would never wear a snuggie. They look stupid. A poncho, though, is a very ingenious article of clothing.

Reading two books with ‘sex’ in the title. “Sex and Death” and “Power, Sex, Suicide.” Neither is really about sex, sadly.