I want to write a prequel to a movie where the main character inexplicably dies. It’ll be awesome because no one will see it coming!

Early Edition is about a guy who gets tomorrow’s newspaper today. If that happened to me, I’d be surprised… That newspapers still exist.

I don’t go grocery shopping hungry. At least I don’t start out that way.

If I ever die by myself, I’ll scratch the word ‘ninjas’ on my stomach as a suicide note.

I wonder why they don’t make ramen with light truffle oil.

Anger management is only recommended as a strategy for assertive supervisors and timid employees.

I pissed off the anger management instructor.

Twitter is now e-mailing us when someone you follow favorites one of your tweets. Actually, this may be months old. It’s just never come up.

I didn’t win, but I came in a close second. Specifically I was close to third place. #yomama

I didn’t fall asleep on the mat- this is just a really intense yoga pose.

“Do you think about other people when you’re with me?” “No, but I think about you when I’m with them… Specifically that you’ll catch us.”

Yet! Happy birthday to me!

I just got really into the soft drink Tab. I just keep ordering refills of it at the local bar. But I pay upfront because I hate puns.

Girls walk by giggling. To shock me, they ask if I have a condom. I say, “I do, but it’s my last one, so we’re going to have to share.”

I have a condom protector. It’s like a pocket protector: they both make it far less likely that you’ll get laid.

My sugar momma makes the best cookies.

Me: “That’s a terrible outfit.” Her: “You obviously don’t watch America’s Next Top Model.” Me: “Why? Because I’m straight?”

I need to make a work out mix. I feel weird doing squat thrusts to the Reading Rainbow theme.

Teaching would be the best job if only there were no students.

Me: Ludacris is just reclaiming the word ‘ho’: he’s not using it to be offensive. Her: Reclaiming it from whom! Me: Feminists, obviously.

“With great privilege comes great responsibility.” – Bourgeois Uncle Ben

This update serves only to inform you all that I am awake– I have been trying to print for two hours– and I hate everyone who is asleep. I take that last tweet back. I don’t hate everyone who is asleep. I…

English accents make the Nature Podcast sound so respectable. Unless, of course, p’s sound like t’s and someone says “Ship Graveyard.”

I just picked up eight of the (very rare) tickets for my friend’s graduation ceremony. Did I say eight? I meant six: I wanna put my feet up.

It would be really sweet if my childhood crush saved all my love letters. It would be less sweet if they were unopened.

A question that’s on my mind: Who would win in a fight: Mahatma Gandhi or a ravenous Saber-Tooth Tiger? #hilariouslymismatchedfights

Gluten-free cakes, flourless cookies, vegan crabcakes… Why is it that everything at Whole Foods an exercise in constrained cooking?

My favorite candy holidays: 1. Halloween 2. Christmas 3. Valentine’s Day 4. Arbor Day 5. Easter Why does pastel make candy taste horrible?

Things I did not realize before I started trying to keep a stocked bar: club soda?tonic water and puckers?sours. Also, puckers are useless.

Every living graduate defends alone.

Some people are social drinkers. I’m an anti-social drinker.

“Let’s think about some examples of causation. Perhaps eating a cookie or stabbing a hobo, to take two recent examples.” –Me in class today

A guy just knocked to ask me if I wanted warehouse-priced leftover meat from the back of his van. #thistowniscreepy #wtf #Imvegetarianbro

Listening to Noel Carroll on @philosophybites. Reminds me of why I got into– and out of– philosophy of humor. It’s a funny story, actually..

I had to or else I would’ve had to turn my Man Card in. And I worked so hard to get it back after those fourth graders stole my lunch money!

Say what you will about terms of endearment, but nobody who has ever called me ‘sweetie’ has ever punched me in the face.

Today we should do an #afterthefactscavengerhunt First item: find two school busses going in reverse. Check! Second item: find a master doctor. #afterthefactscavengerhunt Check! Third item: have someone you know one way reveal that they’d secretly met youi n a…

Thanks @gabethebeaver. You’re a real help! #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement #factmaynotnecessarilybetrue

I wrote a one-act play when I was 16 and now I can’t find it. This is damned depressing.

Do you remember the movie Encino Man? Why or Why not?

“She’s not out of your league. There are no leagues. It’s just a big pick-up game. And the object is to get as high of a score as possible.”

Stuff You Missed in History Class needs a male host. Or at least someone that would chuckle at the name “Cock’s Castle.”

Problem: I want to start a daily, year-long project. But 2012 is a leap year and that’s just too much work.