I’d love it if “Land Before Time” made it on the list of 101 bloodiest movies: But I’m just happy Titanic beat Rambo.

It’s only eugenics if you have a goal in mind.

I have the financial stability of a house of cards.

Pro tip: if you want to cancel your Time Warner Cable service EVENTUALLY, you should start the process now.

When I die, you have my permission to forge my signature and use my credit cards to buy a speedboat.

Someone please explain why people joke about receiving sexy DMs. Preferably in a DM of some sort. 😉

The town in Psych has more murders per capita than it has capita.

I derive endless amusement from the word “sexting.” From actual sexting, though, my amusement usually peaks after four or five minutes.

Conservapedia is to truth as motor oil is to baby formula.

#repressedmemories – first week of college when I woke up to my roommate having sex. If this happened now, I’d do the same back… but solo.

Values clarification expert Sid Simon suggests people make a list of 50 reasons not to kill themselves. 50 is a lot. I think he’s a sadist.

I’m glad they didn’t have Black Cat fireworks back in the days of trench warfare. And if they did, I’m glad I wasn’t born back then.

It’s so funny when I talk to white people. They have so much white guilt. “Hi, my name is Carlos.” “Yeah, but what do _I_ call you?”

Running is supposed to help cure depression. But that can’t be right- just thinking about running makes me sad.

When the Cannucks play, they bring their “eh” game.

She said she studied literature, but from my perspective she could have just said necromancy.

#repressedmemories – that time in 2005 when that girl led me to her house, room, and bed only to retract in horror when I tried to kiss her.

I need to get out of my head before I go out of my mind.

It’s never too late to drunk text!

I don’t know what the surface tension of alcohol is– but tonight I’m going to find out.

If a girl gave me her phone number in Roman numerals, I would definitely call it…. or try to, at least.

I only ever cut myself shaving just before a first date. Oh, great. Now I have to hope it only goes to second base.

#repressedmemories – When my mom came to visit my brother six times, once when I lived nearby. But she’s never come to visit me by myself.

#repressedmemories – The fact that my parents only ever call to ask about my brother.

Just got an @ from someone I unfollowed saying he was unfollowing me. I refollowed him so that I could unfollow him again.

I was a hipster before it was popular. I’m only still a hipster now to be ironic.

Me:I should gain weight. Her: No Me: I should lose weight? Her: You’re perfect the way you are Me: Should I rapidly gain weight then lose it?

Just saw “Hangover 2.” Or- as it should be called- “Hangover… Again.”

A sudden surge of creativity is the canary in the coal mine of my mind.

#repressedmemories – That time the girl I barely knew showed up to my birthday party with all my best friends… then left after ten minutes

Missouri loves company… or industry.. or residency. Really, they’d love just about anything right about now. But it’s an unrequited love.

Remind me to never again take 5 hour energy after breakfast.

How come the stupid Microsoft Office paperclip never asked if you wanted help turning it off?

I should stop having Irish coffees in the daytime. Have you ever tried to get a woman to go home and siesta with you? (Inspired by @cathyby)

What the hell is the point of decaf espresso? That’s like paying good money for placebo aspirin, non-alcoholic beer, or porous condoms.1 META POST: This post was an experiment. My hypothesis is that the path to lots of stars on…

“Officer, it wasn’t a hit & run– he just didn’t realize we were playing Calvinball.”

I was the Captain of my college’s Calvinball team.

#repressedmemories – That time when my friend Amir tried to set me up with the unattractive girl and tried to make it seem like a favor.

I bet the Highlander has the _Worst_ STDs.

IUPAC has confirmed elements 114(Ununquadium) and 116(Ununhexium). Still unconfirmed: 113(Ununtrium), 115(Ununpentium) and 118 (Unobtanium).

We don’t see many female politicians in sex scandals. Is it because women are more faithful or because there aren’t many female politicians?

Say what you will about Rep. Weiner. But to admit a thing like that… it takes a lot of balls.

Hey, you guys remember “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” … I don’t know why I just thought of that. I bet Anyhony Weiner knows.

#repressedmemories – that time my brother’s friend said he’d beat me up if I “turned out gay.” I wonder where he is now.. Should I sext him?

Dammit, man– I don’t have time to play WoW with you! I’m working on my Ph.D! That’s the highest level of education you can attain on purpose