I spent $400 on my Hipster Hobo costume. It’s very ironic.

Two-thirds of a conscience is not enough to keep you out of trouble. Too much to let you get away with it.

I hate having two thirds of a conscience. I don’t get the smug self-satisfaction. Really I don’t get satisfaction of any sort.. 🙁

I hate it when women breastfeed in public. Breastfeeding turns a wonderful sexual object into a demeaning food dispenser

Halloween Costumes: Yesterday I went as Grue. Today I’m going as Bleen.

I thought I was going as grue, but I guess I’m going as change blindness.

What color stitches should i get? Neon? Ultraviolet? Grue? Hit my head. Might need stitches. This will totally take my costume to the next level. Worst part of going to the E.R. Immediately after practice? Wearing an athletic cup for…

I never realized that the Student Union was Clopen. That is , it’s closed if observed before 10 and open if unobserved or observed after 10.

The world that the Onion reports scares me. Specifically, I fear that it’s too close to the world in which we really live.

Netflix keeps asking me back but not offering to change anything. It’s like an abusive husband apologizing while wearing brass knuckles.

People argue on the Internet like children storming Normandy. Philosophers are more like Green Berets bickering over the dishes.

You ever have one of those days where you’re not sure if you’d pass a captcha?

Someone told me porn is 83.5% of Internet traffic. Malarcky! What– is there a G-spot-Mail now?

Ooh, the Internet’s back! Awesome. I use the Internet to check my…….. umm… let’s say e-mail.

A bear is pooping next to a bunny. The bear asks the bunny, “Ever get poop on your fur?” But the bear doesn’t care. He is a bear.

For Halloween, we’re going as Camuel and Sarlos. At least until time t. After that we might be emeralds.

Some guy just crashed into my parked car. Is it wrong that I’m tweeting before calling my insurance or mom?

Sorry I’m late. I hit every stop light and most stop signs.

Certified Kosher would be a bad name for a pork product.

You don’t see many homeless people wearing aeropostale… At least not when they have a choice.

Why does Aeropostale sell clothes that have more of the store’s name than the employee uniforms do?

Why do clothing stores at the mall only have sections for women and metrosexuals?

Next week I’m teaching my class about induction. Specifically, I’m not going to show up.

I only play the song “Gloomy Sunday” on Sundays. And “Blue Monday” on Mondays. But I’ll only play “Friday” if I’m having a stroke.

Protest signs are really just bad speech bubbles.

Shorts season was short.

I just bought a 24 Pack of Busch Lite for $9.99. That’s cheaper than soda. Probably less alcohol, too.

A student just turned in her paper. It’s called: “Problem of the Evil paper.” I should just give her an A right now.

In Winter, I order coffee. In summertime, I order iced coffee. When it is Autumn, I order room temperature coffee… It tastes like spit.

Why did so many historical figures publish major works posthumously? I want to publish something posthumously! … No rush, though.

I bet there are commitmentphobic gay guys who secretly vote against gay marriage.

Does everyone else also break into a cold sweat when they see their adviser or is it just me?

*sigh* … do you guys ever miss nostalgia?

I always choose the wrong similes. Today I said, “Cuts through me like a Chilean miner.”

Little-known philosophy fact: Anselm proved the existence of Muhammad Ali.

“You’re pretty good at taking compliments.” “No I’m not!”

I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…… but I’m pretty heavily implying it.

Here’s a fun fact/prank: If you are away from your car and click the unlock button on your keychain fob 257 times, it will no longer work!

New plan for life: find a rockstar academic lady, marry her, have her get a great job, get hired as a bargaining chip.

The watched for burrito guy never arrives.. Actually, he might not arrive anyway.

I’m going to give my class the choice of whether to cover free will or not.. Well, not really. 🙂

Question for the twitterverse- what would you do with infinite time? Assume this manifests itself in an awesome way.

I want to end an article with ‘or it is not the case that some or all of the previous sentences are true.’ That way I would never be wrong.

Sophie’s choice would have been much easier if it had been an inclusive OR.

I hate it when girls unnecessarily bring up their boyfriends. Next time that happens, I’m going to bring up my crippling loneliness. :'(