I am not a good sports fan. So I don’t even try: “Who do you think would win in a fight? Anderson Silva or a chainsaw?”

He thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips, but he’s just the bag of chips.

Ghosts are the only supernatural beings you can ask people about with a straight face. Nobody ever says, “do you believe in gnomes?”

The pilot is a woman. I know that shouldn’t be surprising, but it is. #discoveredsexism

You know what they say: if life gives you Lyme disease, make Lyminade.

I called the front desk to ask for a wake up call today: “Wake me up at 3 p.m.”

I don’t watch TV, but I do watch HBO.

I think I have mono, which seems like it might be ripe for jokes, but my brain is too single-tracked right now to come up with any.

Do you know the difference between a distinction and a distinction with a difference?

Get cheap beer, but not so cheap a hipster wouldn’t drink it.

Quote of the day: “my wank bank is too big to fail.”

You need to be with someone that makes you happy day-to-day, but also night-to-night.

Nice guys finish last. Overly nice guys finish alone.

What’s Super Moon’s kryptonite? I bet it’s still kryptonite.

Faster than a bullet in orbit, can continuously leap over all the tall buildings, it’s a star, it’s a planet, it’s… Super Moon!

Prelim defense in 11 hours. No pressure… Passed!

I may not have a face that looks good with sideburns. But that’s okay, because chicks don’t dig sideburns. They dig… um, maybe radishes?

I have two rules for my roommates: 1) always buy two-ply toilet paper or higher and 2) Never bring home insufficient Mexican food.

I wear a leather jacket when it’s hot out because it makes me cool.

This band sounds like early TATU. Like track one or two.

Drunk people are so angry when you cut them off, but then- in the morning- they forget they were ever there. It’s a great business strategy.

I have a date tonight, so you shouldn’t be home when I get back… I’m probably going to be binge eating ice cream and weeping gently.

I wonder if any of the planeteers ever had to get their rings resized.

Q: What did one Witzelsucht patient say to the other? A: I’m sick of puns.

How many grains are there in a heap? All of them!

I want to drive to all the Earth day events in the state. I just care that much.

My next paper is going to have both footnotes AND endnotes. And also sidenotes, musical notes, and post-it notes.

If there are more footnotes than pages, you’re doing it wrong. If footnotes make up more than 50% of the text, I hate you.

I wish I didn’t have to worry about money. Or rather– I wish I were justified in not worrying about money.

Today, for the first time, I used the phrase “when I graduate” as opposed to the usual “when I leave here in shame.”

“Are synchronized periods just ellipses?” -Mike

I don’t have a team I like, so I’m just going to root for the even-numbered players.

Roller Derby makes less sense to me than Calvinball. But I love it just the same.

Any time I borrow a smartphone, I change the settings so that it says “Sent from yo momma’s iPhone” ..I wonder why I don’t have more friends

It’s a little known fact that when René Magritte hung himself, the note said “ce n’est pas un suicide.”

My goal for today is to not eat any Pad Thai. This should NOT be as hard as it is.

There is no award for the most irrelevant citation. But if there was, this would win it every year, “as Aristotle points out, A is A.”

Me: “There is partial credit, so put something down.” Student: “Anything?” Me: “Well, logic, not a Dadaist portrait of myself.” #regrets

I love it when students get to the staring portion of the exam. As if hoping to learn its secrets through intimidation.

When I’m feeling down, I dress up. It makes me happy. When I’m up, I dress down. It makes the ladies happy.

I hang around coffee shops so much I may as well start a screenplay.

Creationists think Adam was the first person. But he couldn’t have been. _I_ am in the first person. Adam is third.