How to Ensure Prison Rape

I don’t want to make any assumptions. I worry my penultimate post was very negative about prison rape. But, in the interest of fairness in media, I’ll teach you how to ensure prison rape happens to you or your loved ones, should you– for some reason– want it to occur. Again: no judgment, this is a safe space.

Step 1. The first day you get in prison, find the biggest, baddest prisoner and step up to him. Compare his penis (unfavorably) to a mini hot dog.

Step 2. Wait until lights out.

Step 3. Reconstructive surgery.

Step 4. Counseling. Endless counseling.


Here’s a fun prank! Write “Open Season” on a sheet of paper and slap it on your buddy’s back when he goes to state prison. Be prepared for the Count of Monte Cristo when he is paroled, however, because this is a joke that does not get funnier over time. This is a conversation that will never happen:

You: Sorry about the sign, by the way, I couldn’t help it.

Buddy: Ha ha ha, no it’s cool! It was 3-5 years ago. And, boy, when Bluto showed me why he broke the broomstick handle in me, we just laughed and laughed.

You: Oh, my god. That sounds… so unimaginably horrible. I’m so sorry.

Buddy: No, it was super funny. I guess you just had to be there.

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