Crushed it, WaPo.

I probably shouldn’t have done Amateur Night at the Fugu restaurant.

I can take the perfect tools for a job and somehow, using only my wits and knowledge, mess it up. I’m Inverse MacGuyver.

Anti-Vaxxer CEO I met on the plane: “i just ask questions. I surround myself with people smarter than me.” Me: “Doesn’t that just.. Happen?”

I’m 30!!!

At 4:32, I lolled. By 1:59, I understood. After midnight, I knew I’d never be the same again. #trollclickbait

Bad puns are the mental equivalent of a kick to the groin. Sorry, I meant a PUNch to the groin.

My aunt used to be a nun, but she got out of the habit.

1: Oh, cool. I love your name. 2: Thanks, my parents gave it to me for my birthday.

I was just an amateur crastinator, but I’ve decided I’m going pro.

If it’s wrong to earn a lot of money and power by your evil actions, then I don’t want to be right.

Use a random number generator to decide final grades. #academicbucketlist

“There’s a lot to be said about silence.” – Girlfriend #foundhumor

Personal trainer tried to sell me $10k worth of sessions. Obviously, she’s never met my accountant… who is a very jealous gym buddy.

My lady friend is coming to visit. I’m going to have to clean my man cave of any left over bat guano.

Canadian: I visited… I don’t know how to say it. Australian: Kahn-s. You can’t say that word. That’s our word. #overheardincoffeeshop

He orders his coffee medium roast, with half-n-half, and a medium amount of sugar. He’s the Least Interesting Man in the World.

Fun fact: The lack of Latino writers in Hollywood robbed us of a sixth season of the Wire. Think about it.

Life lesson: When a friend announces she is pregnant, the proper response is not to treat them to celebratory cocktails. #themoreyouknow

“Life is a tragedy to those who feel, a comedy to those who think” “Comedy is tragedy+time” Thus, Life is a tragedy+time to those who think.

1: When was the last time you were happy? 2: Well, I just made myself laugh a few minutes ago, so then. But before then? Maybe 2003.

I’d get the vaccine against autism, but I’m afraid it will give me measles, mumps, and rubella instead.

I’m looking for a person to not only teach me how to sing, but also, to teach me how to dougie.

Dissertations are the least inviting format of all writing. That’s why suicide notes aren’t written in dissertations, except metaphorically.

My optometrist told me to keep an eye on my eyes. I think I need a new optometrist.

You couldn’t make the Matrix anymore. All the good usernames are taken. I couldn’t take Keanu seriously: “My name… is ScarlettJohansson116!”

The Activity Monitor on Macs takes up so much RAM. That’s like an antivirus that infects your computer or a mail program that SPAMs you.

I was born before my time. I should have been born in a time when people like me were weeded out of the gene pool early.

“Frank M. Jaeger, 31, speaking on the condition of anonymity, admitted to several crimes against humanity while under the influence of LSD.”

“If you’re ever in that situation again, you have to do one thing. But first– this is important– can you have a bowel movement on command?”

It’s 2015 and I just realized that ICQ was a pun and was supposed to be pronounced “Eye Sikh Ewe.” …But I still don’t get it. Is it a fish?

Dear Internet: I’m collecting tangible predictions for #2045. Anybody have any?

#tautologyclub will start whenever it does. It will go on until it doesn’t. You can either go or not. Nobody can both join and not join.

Cat: “The people that I love, I LOVE. The people that I hate, I HATE.” The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

Q: How do you know if someone went to Wellesley? A: Wait five minutes.