They’re building a replica of the Titanic and selling tickets for its maiden voyage. Won’t they ever let it go?

Reno: we’re at the borderline between a big little city and a little big city, so we have a strict one-in-one-out policy.

The best part of working in Reno is that, if my luck holds, I get to double my salary every month!

It’s fun living in Canada, where my health insurance policy is not just luck.

Christie, “out of convenience, she put our country at risk.” Hm. It seems like he’s attacking her out of convenience. #gopdebate

I rarely name my mixed drinks, but I think I’ll call this one “the 13th Step.”

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark had a higher rate of turn over in its performers than in its audience.

This is a state that neither I nor my early 2000’s computer knew existed. I wasn’t Delaware.

This stand says “Lemonade,” but they have no lemonade. I guess when life doesn’t give you lemons, you can just pretend to make lemonade.

Roommate: If you don’t see me tomorrow, it means I’m dead. Me: I’ll be sure to wear a blindfold all day, then.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. They don’t point out that it’s also the simplest form of mockery.

1: You’re frustratingly agreeable. 2: I know! But I can change.

I just update the signature on my email: “Sent from my iPhone, please excuse any typ9s.”

Captain America is always chasing someone or being chased by someone, which is so implausible because These Colors Don’t Run. Someone should make red, white, and blue pantyhose, because These Colors Don’t Run. I guess what I’m saying is that…

1: I’m like dyslexic, but of speaking. 2: You mean speech dyslexia? 1: That’s what I said! 2: Yeah, but you had it all flipped around.

1: You keep saying I fell down the cliff, but it was a controlled descent. 2: What was controlling it, gravity?

Jared would have gotten a heavier sentence had he not lost so much weight at Subway.

Reminder: The Dyslexics Anonymous meetings will be Tuesdays and Thursdays at 12 p.m. and 1:20 p.m. in rooms 2107 and 2017, respectively.

Donald Trump is really good at starting sentences. #gop #gopdebate #debates

Donald Trump’s greatest weakness: “I will remember this question and blast you on Twitter for this.”

Jeb Bush’s greatest weakness, “I’m impatient…. move on to the next candidate now.”

I could let Jesus take the wheel, but then it would lead to me meeting him before I intended.

I like cats, but I don’t *always* like cats. Sometimes, I wish I could just put them on paws.

How is it that I didn’t know about #inktober? Time to catch up!

How do people use rocks as paperweights? Paper *beats* rock.

Roommate is playing Chopin as she’s studying. I say, “hey, after this song, can you play ‘Baby Got Back’?”

I regret forgetting Morse code the first time. Now have to learn it again. I feel such remorse.

I’ve tried measuring everything in this room, but I keep getting weird fractions. I just can’t.. even.

I hated the Hobbit. He was always complaining. I realize it’s ironic to complain about someone complaining, but I would hate to read me too!

Ted Cruz looks like a melted Lego figure and sounds like someone put talking points in a blender and then broadcast them.

I’m pray for an atheist president in my lifetime.

Huckabee, Huckawas.

Scott Walker looks like a rich guy who is trying to convince a cop that he isn’t drunk.

Any belt he wears is a tool belt.

I feel like my day is a cross between Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates and Bill Murray in Groundhog Day

Every time I think of all of the bad choices I’ve made in my life, I’m comforted by the fact that I, at least, didn’t marry Jeyne Westerling

I want a Song of Ice and Fire chapter written with a Hodor POV: “Hodor,” Hodor hodored hodorly.

Sometimes I wish philosophers wrote shorter pieces about more interesting things… I should have been a chef.

My music station is playing songs from Dreamworks movies. It’s Pandorable.