Primary cause of death for men: heart disease. Primary cause of death for women: men. Does this imply that heart disease saves women?

1: You think you’re smarter than everyone, but you’re not! 2: Yeah, I know: I didn’t think you’d notice.

It’s hard to meet someone halfway when they keep moving the goalposts.

“The Force has a strong influence on the weak minded.” -Alec Guiness, mocking #StarWars fans in 1977

I try to give love every day. As a result, I am left with only hatred.

Why does it have to be an arms race? Why not another Space Race, a carbon-cutting race, or even just, like, a race to the big tree and back?

Is a paternity test a good Christmas gift?

Newt Gingrich has a Ph.D. in European History from Tulane but acts like he has a Certificate of Completion in Goebbelsmanship from Trump U.

The optimist’s guide to 2017 is just looking away, covering your ears, and yelling nonsense syllables for 12 months.

SPOILER ALERT: Darth Vader doesn’t die in #RogueOne.

Netflix has both “Barry” and “Someone Marry Barry” on right now. I like to think one is a sequel to the other.

I can’t wait until the sequel to #RogueOne. Dark Vator looks so cool!

#RogueOne could have used more Jar Jar. Meesa miss him.

Idea: @california offers to split their electoral votes ala Maine or Nebraska IF the @GOP moves them to the front of their primary calendar.

Maybe, when you police the PC police, you *become* the PC police.

#RogueOne = #StarWars + #GameOfThrones – #twincest

I liked #RogueOne just a bit more than Empire Strikes Back but still less than the Phantom Menace.

“I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn’t learn something from him.” Galileo Galilei. But Galileo never met Sarah Palin.

Although, in Game of Thrones, the incest is twin-twin, not creepy orange-daughter.

It’s amusing seeing some people accuse others of “drinking the kool-aid” when what they mean is actual as opposed to crazyballs news sources

Austria escapes the White Winter, Italy does not.

6. Mad Men is overrated.

5. Seinfeld is overrated.

4. Celsius is okay if you are a bunch of water, but for weather purposes, Fahrenheit is waaay superior. 100=too hot, 0=too cold. So easy.

3. Cheese disgusts me and always has.

2. I don’t believe in bread. I think we should get rid of it. We’ve already perfected tortillas, why keep bread around?

This is a list of the best foods in the world: 1. Burritos 2. See #1

My spell check has a ‘guess’ function. Why in the world would my spell check have a ‘guess’ function?

Martin Shkreli looks like a wedgie feels. #martinshkrelijokes

Hotel California would let @MartinSkhreli leave. #martinshkrelijokes

It would make me so happy if I could hurt @MartinSkhreli’s feelings. He has them, I assume.

When I was young, if you wanted to drunk dial, you had to find a pay phone first.

I sneezed and people acknowledged me. #blessed

Hannity has all the hard questions. I don’t know why people don’t just call Hannity and ask him. He’s right there.

Reminder: The ‘Alt-Right’ is not all right.

I’ve just learned I’ve been using ‘that’ and ‘which’ wrong my entire life. Huh. What do you think of which?

The videos of #NoDAPL protests being attacked by police make me sick. Freedom of Assembly is in the first amendment. 🙁

After this election, the Fourth Estate is in foreclosure.

Testosterone is negatively correlated with empathy. I’m sorry guys: I wish I knew (or cared) what it was like for you all to hear that.

I have a habit of shooting from the hip and straight into my foot.

This is the worst collection of inability & ignorance ever gathered at the White House-with the exception of when the Brits burned it down.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that “Alt-Right” rhymes with “Halt! Reich!”?

Why hasn’t anyone in the media found Trump’s almanac from the future yet? Doc, Marty, we need you!

Where’s Trump’s college diploma? Why won’t he say “Radical White Nationalists”? What proof do we have he’s Christian? Where are his taxes??