We brought you to this bar to have an intervention.
Man, I’m so rich, I use $100 bills for toilet paper. And I use toilet paper for something equally frivolous: like currency.
Sorry, I have to go. My pedicurist is calling me: it might be important.
1: I remember when this guy was a neoluddite.
2: You were? What convinced you to like women?
3: Nothing convinced me to like women!
2: A-Ha! I knew it! I knew you were still into the chocolate!
Why do they call it sexual assault? It’s such a negative term. They should call it “sexy assault”
2: I went to school, stopped for a bit, went for a bit, went back…
1: You dropped out?
2: No, it was just the summer.
Holy Water is my anti-drug!
1: Do you take this woman to have and to hold, in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do you part?
2: …. Umm… LINE??
Hey, look at that dintinguished old gentleman walking that fluffy dog! I hope I look that way when I’m a dog…
2: I know him better than you do.
1: No way, I’m his brother, he trusts me way more.
2: Uh-uh, I’m hella more trustworthy, I’ll prove it! Let’s have a secret revealing contest to see who knows the most things about him!
1: You’re on!
Every century has been better than the last, with the exception of the box office disappointment of the 17th century.
“Man, even I feel too tired to go with you to drop me off.”
My phone will be out of service for the next week, so if you really need to get a hold of me before then, the quickest way will be via smoke signals.
1: I keep wanting to talk, but he just ignores me. It’s like he wants nothing to do with me!
2: That’s the same thing that happens with me and my priest.
And now, the Star-Spangled Banner as sung by the Flatulence Brothers!