Ind e-Pen XXIV

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+24+++

Introduction

==============

I tried writing this episode early this week, but I accidentally played twenty hours of “Commandos 2: Men of Courage” instead. THEN, as if it weren’t bad enough, I tried to write this and it was soooo much more boring than playing a nice video game about killing Nutzii. Aw, hell, I KNOW I mispelled that! Anyway, to make your reading experience nicer, I have decided to add in a few perks. Hopefully your e-mail browser will support them (unlike some servers that report “I’m” as “I?m”… what is that’ Am I asking who I am’ That is just silly… oy, stupid school servers…).

ZOMBIES!!!

Oh, my gosh! Okay, okay. What?s the worst thing that you think you could do to non-zombies? Okay, what?s one step beyond that? Yep. I just raised the dead!

See, the thing is, I wanted to be able to claim that my clapping (on another note, I?ve been clapping professionally for two years now) could raise the dead, so I performed a top-secret hush-hush operation on my hands and… well, the point is that everytime I clap, zombies come out and try to eat me! And the worst part is that I CAN’T Stop Clapping!

So, okay, the dead are walking and they’re stalking the world now, what do you do? It’s simple: just stay calm and RUN! RUN! RUN!!! They’ll eat you alive! RUN!!! Well… okay, just keep up a brisk walk. I mean, they’re deadly and hungry, but they haven’t used their legs in a while and… well, they’re zombies.

So, I guess when it comes down to it, you don’t have to start your brisk walk NOW. I mean, you probably have enough time to catch a rerun of That 70’s Show, take a shower, and maybe even read War & Peace.

… by the way, I tried reading the sparknotes on that (just so that I could make a witty joke about something in the book), but the summary bored the hell out of me. The only thing I could pick up was that it was in Russia during the time of Napoleon. For which I was like “so?” Because Napoleon wasn’t really known for conquering Siberia, was he? Maybe I missed something…

Where was I? Oh, yeah, I raised the dead. Zombies. Okay, here’s what you do, fortify your house in cellophane tape, then go to Wally World and buy a flame-thrower. Then, when the zombies start showing up, you bust out with a machete and wail away on them.

Be sure to hack off their mouth first, but if they have particularly long nails, you should probably Edward Scissorhands their ass. Aw, crap. I’ve gotta go, they’re here!

… Oh, wait… it was just the pizza boy. I had forgotten that I had ordered. Crap, time to beat out another manslaughter charge. Maybe if I wrote an e-mail…

10 Things you buy just to have:

Rubik’s Cubes

Encyclopedias

Paintings/Portraits

Health food

Exercise machines

Movies, pictures (beyond the first viewing, of course)

Prostitutes (::rim shot:: That is, if you want one ; )

House plants, especially fake house plants

Trophy Wives, especially fake trophy wives

Condoms (…oh, shut up, your life was sad once too!)

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to my excellent Guatemalan friends Sandy and Athena (oh, by the way, hi. Nice to meet you) who put together their brain power and answered both last week’s and last fortnight’s e-mail. I’d send each of them four pages of the next Pix Capacitor, but I don’t have their mailing address. Also, I don’t trust Guatemalean mailmen. And the Pix Capacitor is ten pages now, so even if they put all eight pages together, they’d still be missing the crossword answers, the first half of each horoscope, and one of the new columns that they voted for (by the way, I’m going to do a Consumer Reports and a Dummy’s Guide section).

I’d publish their answers to last fortnight’s questions (best & worst places you’ve ever peed), but they live in a third-world country, and… aw, what the hell. sandy took the lowercase, ATHENA had the caps, if you want to follow at home:

the best place that we ever peed here would have to be at the
host mom of athena....ONLY 14 PEOPLE HAVE TO SHARE THIS BATHROOM.
  IF YOU NEED TO GO AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME, IT MIGHT JUST BE OPEN
...mmmm how clean....so yeah...that would have to be the nicest..
Now for the dirties...tee hee i would have to say that would be in this beautiful mayan
village that allowed us to witness their culture first
hand...
with daily life as a mayan....HOLD UP, IM GONNA THROW IN MY
VETO FOR THE WORD BEAUTIFUL.  EVERY TIME I HEARD THE TERM
"WEAVING DEMONSTRATION" MY EYE TWITCHED.  THE ONLY THING
BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THE PLACE WAS THE DIFFERENT COLORED AMEOBAS
THAT EVERYONE BUT TWO PEOPLE GOT WHICH WERE THERE. yeah....i
guess it was a little bit of a culture shock...WELL. I WAS COOL
UNIIL WE WERE POINTED INTO THE WOODS WHEN WE ASKED DONDE ESTA EL
BANO.  THIS "BATHROOM" WAS THREE PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGING AROUND
A STONE SHAPED LIKE TOILET BOWEL THAT LEAD TO THE GREAT UNKNOW.
THE SEAT COVER WAS A NICE PLANK OF WOOD THAT WAS PROBABLY OLDER
THAT I...wait a second!! you had a toilet!? we had the opportunity
 to go into the woods and dig a hole in the ground!! lowering us
to the status of dogs! and heaven forbid you had to shit! then
you dug a hole and had to cover it up afterwards...oh...and where
to put the toilet paper... oye vey!!! thank god for zip lock bags!
EWWWWWW.  IT WAS NICE OF THE WOMEN TO INFORM US THAT THEY HAD AN
OUTHOUSE JUST FOR US WHITIES AFTER WE ALL PAYED OUR OMEN TO THE
STONE GOD...AND CATS SANDY, CATS.  THE DOGS HAD MORE PRIVACY THAN
WE DID...AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO SLEEP IN BEDS THAT SMELLED LIKE..
WAIT, MAYBE MY BED WAS SOMEONE
ELSE'S "WORST BATHROOM"...wait..
you got a bed! we got a piece of really smelly yellow foam on the
floor...DID YOU HAVE AN INSECT THAT SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO
DIAL UP TO THE INTENET ALL NIGHT? we couldn't see insects because
we were covered by this interesting contraption...errr net that
draped over us to keep the bugs away...which wouldn't have been
so bad if i didn't have to share a "bed" that was smaller than a
dorm rooms bed...with a net designed for one person...WE HAD A
NET TOO, WITH A BIG HOLE IN IT.  BIG HELP...BUT IT DIDN'T BLOCK
THE SOUND OF THAT F#"KIN CRICKET THING... maybe it helped that
we were sleeping ina concrete building with a door thicker than
a body!! but it didn't seem to matter with the bugs because
the walls weren't connected to the ceiling so the bugs made
themselves at home and feasted off of our bodies...MAYBE THE
SOUNDS WERE MUFFLED BY THE OTHER 10 BODIES YOU HAD SLEEPING IN
THE SAME ROOM/HOUSE....you are right...but really..it was
beautiful...FOR ANYONE THAT FEELS LIKE PARTICIPATING IN A
WEAVING COOP, TWO WORDS...HOLD IT. (AND EAR PLUGS)...that's
five...SHUT UP BEFORE I SELL YOU TO THE LOCALS... 

—- There, now don’t you all feel like checking into a clinic? I know I do. —-

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Is Excalibur the Sword in the Stone or has Disney mislead me? Wait… was it Disney?

2: Which column(s) should I add?

3: Did nobody notice that two of last week’s questions with prepositions ended on?

Their Answers:

1.  FIRST OF ALL PROPS FOR STEPPING FOOT IN THE GOOD OL EK...I'M
NOT SURE WHAT I LIKED MORE THERE, THE ENDLESS OMBIONCE OF
TACKYNESS (AND THATS FOR VEGAS) OR THE WATER "SHOW" WHERE THE
KNIGHT SLAYS THE DRAGON...AND NOT THAT I PAYED TO MUCH ATTENTION
IN JUNIOR YEAR ENGLISH, BUT I THINK I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED A
DRAGON IN KING ARTHUR.  BUT YEAH, THE SWORD IS CALLED EXCALIBUR
2.  consumer reports...i would like to see how you rate
products....was lather rinse repeat??? i often get confused by
the directions on containers....AND WHATS WITH THAT TWO IN ONE...
TWO IN ONE IS A BULLSHIT TERM, CAUSE ONE IS NOT BIG ENOUGH TO
HOLD TWO...THAT WAS WHY TWO WAS CREATED...very true...and i'm
not sure if my hair is damaged from dying it about...oh...every
week when it was shorter or if the 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner
really really sucks.....MY VOTE IS YES...indeed.....

3.  and what are prepositions used...for...and where do you put
them...so when writing a sentence a preposition goes on the
inside...in a sentence i will continue to use them throughout..
:p well, beings that our PC is being as stupid as....umm, yeah...
we are going to go.. its past our bedtime and we want to beat all
the drunk machismo guats to the streets....

This Week’s Questions:

1: Is it just me or was there a The Onion feel to the zombies article?

2: What do you think of The Onion (www.theonion.com)?

3: On that note, go to http://objective.jesussave.us/kidz.html and tell me if this page is serious or not and what you think of it (thanks to Cassie for the link).

To be removed from this list, raise the dead.