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Unnecessary Qualifiers

17. When I was in high school, I would relentlessly tease a kid I couldn’t stand by giving him nicknames. I also teased people I really, really liked by giving them nicknames. The fact that I treated people I hated and people I liked in the same way always seemed schizophrenic, but it amused me just the same. I don’t do that anymore, because most of the people that still talk to me are people I feel neutral toward. I wonder if there’s any connection…..

Here’s a fun game: in a regular conversation, throw out qualifiers which raise more questions than they answer. Example:

  • My day was fine. Unlike some people, I didn’t accidentally have my fly down all day.
  • I haven’t ever been caught cheating on my girlfriend.
  • I don’t have herpes anymore.  No, I don’t have herpes outbreaks1
  • I was really good last week: I didn’t pick up any hookers.
  • I didn’t stab any hobos… last night.

Get it? These are all true statements, but the unnecessary qualifiers completely change their meaning. You try!

  1. How is it that Seth is smarter than I am?  Or is it just in matters of STIs?   😉 []


  1. Herpes isn’t curable, only treatable. That qualifier is erroneous. 😯

    I love my parents, except when there’s a full moon.

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