I’m going to fast all day in order to exercise poor judgment at dinner time.

Carving out an hour of time is so much harder than carving out sixty minutes.

Why is it that there are no Native American barber shops? Is it because white people’d be afraid that they’d take too much off the top?

Other people on Facebook got the updated privacy policy message today, right? They’re not just mad at me, are they?

Erratum- the preceding article was firmly debunked immediately prior to submission.

I think I broke Facebook. I’ve started a ‘friend tournament’ on facebook over who gets to hang out with me. It’s fabulous.

You got me to watch 20 hours of television this week. Not many people can do that. Just you and the editors of TV Guide.

I got my pet rock when it was just a wee little pebble.

What do you feed a pet rock? Not paper, surely. What about scissors?

I taught my pet rock how to play dead. Fetch is proving much more difficult.

My pet rock got rabies… I had to put it down.

I don’t like meteor showers, I prefer baths.

“Hey Lady, how do you know your child isn’t an Adult molester??”

You don’t look fat in those pants, but you sure look jolly! 🙂

“It’s okay, it’s not domestic abuse: I’ve never seen this kid before in my life!”?

I’m at the first Duke basketball game of the season and the score is insane to embarrassing.

I need an aspirin. I’m in so much C-Fibers firing.