Chairlift’s “Bruises” is probably my favorite song at the moment. This is tweetworthy because… shut up, that’s why.

I’m a zeroeth wave feminist. That is, a misogynist.

No mail the past three days. I blame the rain for keeping my mailman from his appointed rounds.

They should make candy corn using real cane sugar instead of this very artificial cornsyrup.

What’s the point of a hug where the person still has floating ribs left uncracked?

Does Memory Lane intersect with Sesame Street? I think it does.

Philosophical Zombieland #philosophyhorrormovies

I’m not into role playing, but I can pretend.

I don’t like domestic abuse. I prefer mine imported.

I should add “if you didn’t want me to” when I say “I would never tell anyone anything you told me.” Otherwise, I’m just a bad secretary.

I need to find a way to incorporate eating a gajillion Halloween candies into my calorie tracker.

Next Halloween I’m going to wear a belt and a pair of suspenders. I have determined that.

My understanding halves for every character I find that’s not a part of a language I speak. Why aren’t there math equations that use an ñ?

My phone sends messages arbitrarily. I just sent “I see u” to a friend I saw walking. I hope she gets it before she goes home to take a bath

My eyes have just been opened by @FakeAPStylebook to the world of people I can mock because they don’t have Internet access

Shoot! I only have 180 days left of qualifying under my mother’s health insurance! Quick: Someone break my legs!