Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t

(gakked from Clarity Sage)

You look stupid when you wear that hat.
You have a banana in your ear.
I wish I had told you that you looked stupid in that hat and had a banana in your ear when you went to propose to your (now) ex-girlfriend.
I was once raped in the face by an allosaurus, too!
I think it’s funny that you were born with not all-boy parts. I’d be funnier if you hadn’t been born with all-girl parts instead.
It was I that used your name and social security number in order to star as a homosexual porn star Rodrigo Gutierrez Gutierrez
They say there is no better revenge than living well…. who are you trying to thank?
I wish I had the guts to say, “You have some nerve!”
You are addicted to painkillers and you only asked Cuddy to be with you so that she would sleep with you, you jackass.
What was your name again?
I slept with your mother, your ex-girlfriend, and your dog. Actually, the dog mostly just watched. She’s a freak.
You look like a hangover feels.
Whenever I miss you, I wish I’d aimed more carefully.
I’d say I was over you, but it’s sort of hard to move around you in any finite amount of time. (<–That was a fat joke.) (<–That was a stupid joke.) ¹
I can’t stop thinking about you. I also cannot start.
I sometimes feel the teensiest bit of regret that I imprisoned you for life, wrongly.
You stole two hours of my life and I want them back!
(Hmm. That last one actually applies to two people, now that I think about it. One is a movie and the other is a sexual act that is illegal in four states and a commonwealth.)
That whore of a tombstone is what came between us.
Every sentence I have ever uttered to you is a lie, you Cretin.
I cheated at spin the bottle, but I’m not apologizing that I made you kiss your sister. That was just funny.
It makes me sad when a joke goes on too long, because it means that I had lots of ideas, but after a certain while people just stop caring. Curse you, Comedy! You fickle beast, you!

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