Dear 20-33 year olds- what would you say to a guy your age that had never played Zelda?

I’ve deduced by mathematical induction that every day I am shuffling.

You’re 22? Really? Because you look like you’re pushing 30 with a feather.

Buyer Beware: the impulse aisle could set you back a year’s salary at Whole Foods.

Today I accidentally said the phrase ‘explosive diarrhea’ in class. They laughed. Does anyone have a phrase I can accidentally say tomorrow?

I shouldn’t enjoy teaching/teasing my students this much.

I sure could go for a Double Dragon reboot. Or a Double Double Dragon, if you will.

We’ve all been thinking it, but I’m just going to come out and say it: Alyssa Milano hasn’t done anything good since Double Dragon the movie

No Internet today to protest #SOPA. Man, I’ve never been so productive!

How do you make someone do something that embarrassing to themselves without the aid of religion, popularity, or fashion?

Listening to the Branford Marsalis Quartet. Best jazz music ever. I bet @Skrillex’s remix of it would make my head explode in awesomeness.

When buying a tuxedo, if the salesperson asks you why you need it, an amusing response is “you know: just for every day use.”

“…and it was an easy class for a slacker like myself to slack in…” -Overheard in a coffee house.

“…I haven’t turned in a paper late in, like, ever… well, not since high school…” -Overheard in a coffee house.

The best vacation is the one where you’re not sure if you’re stuck in a time loop and can think of no way to investigate.

Question: in the second Ninja Turtles movie, why is it that Shredder’s outfit also mutates when he becomes Super Shredder? #tweetsfromthe90s

“Would you like to sign up for email updates?” = “Would you like to spend more time deleting emails every day?”