Drunk people are so angry when you cut them off, but then- in the morning- they forget they were ever there. It’s a great business strategy.

I have a date tonight, so you shouldn’t be home when I get back… I’m probably going to be binge eating ice cream and weeping gently.

I wonder if any of the planeteers ever had to get their rings resized.

Q: What did one Witzelsucht patient say to the other? A: I’m sick of puns.

How many grains are there in a heap? All of them!

I want to drive to all the Earth day events in the state. I just care that much.

My next paper is going to have both footnotes AND endnotes. And also sidenotes, musical notes, and post-it notes.

If there are more footnotes than pages, you’re doing it wrong. If footnotes make up more than 50% of the text, I hate you.

I wish I didn’t have to worry about money. Or rather– I wish I were justified in not worrying about money.

Today, for the first time, I used the phrase “when I graduate” as opposed to the usual “when I leave here in shame.”

“Are synchronized periods just ellipses?” -Mike

I don’t have a team I like, so I’m just going to root for the even-numbered players.

Roller Derby makes less sense to me than Calvinball. But I love it just the same.

Any time I borrow a smartphone, I change the settings so that it says “Sent from yo momma’s iPhone” ..I wonder why I don’t have more friends

It’s a little known fact that when René Magritte hung himself, the note said “ce n’est pas un suicide.”

My goal for today is to not eat any Pad Thai. This should NOT be as hard as it is.

There is no award for the most irrelevant citation. But if there was, this would win it every year, “as Aristotle points out, A is A.”