Warning: Keep this bag away from children. This bag is not a toy… At least not a very good one.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “Man, I can’t believe you were there! We would have met before we actually met.” *head asplode!*

Things I now know how to tie: shoelaces, a tie, a bow tie, and a noose. To celebrate, tomorrow after tae bo I’m going to eat Thai food.

I just saw Shaggy. Oh, wait. It wasn’t him.

It turns out that the punishment for plagiarism is a slap on the wrist. Next time I’ll fail the bastard. … Then send his mother a letter.

Him: It is what it is. Me: You don’t know how true that is.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis hasn’t fumbled the football in over 600 carries. I don’t even have that good of a record with babies!

I’ve left a trail of broken hearts. But they’re all my own. …and from playing Zelda.

Dear Lady-types: I don’t know how to add subtext to my text messages. If I don’t respond for 30 minutes, assume I just fell asleep.

I think I misunderstood the concept of a Flash Mob. I need to go home and change.

Actors who would play me in the movie: Michael Cera, Elijah Wood, Jesse Eisenberg, Seth Rogen, Sean Astin, Daniel Radcliffe, or Ellen Page

Hourly Comic Day. Or: yes I would like 24 hours of stress and a sore wrist.

I think Lamb Chop’s Play Along is ripe for a reunion special. What’s Charlie Horse been up to lately?

If you ever want to kill me and make it look like an accident, just play LMFAO while I’m shaving.

Yeah, but those options are completely different! It’s like comparing a purple midget to the abstract feeling of nostalgia.

I never got Garrison Keillor, but the people who like him swear by him. “Gee Willickers,” they say. Because their swears are from the 1890s.

If there’s one thing you can say about your parents, it’s that they raised a wonderful daughter… Which is more than you can say about mine