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Got a random present from my best friend today. A normal reaction would be thanks. For me, it was tears and a non-proportional counterstrike

Dear WebMD app: you should not open to the most recently searched for ailment. I swear, I looked up ‘Space Syphilis’ out of just curiosity!

Our results weren’t conclusive. Next time, we’re not going to have a single-blind, double-deaf study.

I throw a boardgame party, I become obsessed with boardgames. I throw a wine party, I become a wino. I should throw a key party.

I’m a bad Mexican. I forgot what day it was today.

Lesson why to not trust indexicals: before my office hours, I put a note on my door that said ‘back in ten minutes’ and left for the weekend

If I had a super power, I’d forgo flying for the ability to handle awkward situations well.

Too many RSVPs for my White Wine/Red Wine party. I need to alienate more friends or move to a bigger house.

I bet you Cujo’s bark was worse than his bite.

I wanna open up a temporary tattoo parlor. It would be a regular tattoo parlor, I’d just be a terrible business owner.