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No news is good news… unless you’re a newspaper.

I just put myself down as my own emergency contact because if anything happens to me, I want to be the first person to know it.

Okay. Now that I have the plot of my novel, I need a title. And characters. But the title comes first. Any ideas?

My computer’s fans are so loud you’d think it just won the World series.

You know what you never see anymore? Invisibility cloaks.

These directions can’t be right… They say “go to the north pole, then turn east.”

I always check for monsters before driving after I watch a horror movie, but I never give rodents a chance after watching family movies.

Theseus would be a good name for a band. . . . Especially if the lineup kept changing.

I didn’t put on pants until 4 p.m. today. In my defense, though, I honestly thought it was Wednesday.

I always assume every woman is into me and they only talk to me to get me into bed. This makes family reunions very awkward.