13! My Twitter account is old enough to steal alcohol now!

Canadians have a dozen ways to say “snow,” no ways to say “no”

1: where do you see yourself in five years? 2: best case scenario? Dead. Worst case scenario? Dying

So is the microchip in the first or the second dose? Half & half?

You ever feel like anything you do for self-improvement is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

I hate having nobody to call when I’m drunk at 4 p.m. on a Thursday

Gotta admire the people that don’t talk to me, tbh.

1: you look younger than you are 2: thank you! Every painting in my house has aged terribly!

1: I signed up for an improv class, but missed half the classes. 2: So you’re basically only half an improviser? 1: “yes,

Why does all emotional baggage have to be about relationships and not, like, fear of muppets or something?

You can’t ask me how I’m doing, it’s a violation of HIIPA.

1: I work out every day, why am I still squishy? 2: Have you tried watching your diet? 1: Wow, way to victim blame.

breakfast is one of the three most important meals of the day

If I’m on the cusp of ENTP and INFP, shouldn’t I just be an -N-P?

One time, my dental hygienist gave me a hot tip on Settlers of Catan. “Settle near a three! Three lands more often than the board says it does.” I think about this often.

Sometimes, the smallest reconciliation can make your day. Today, I realized my once and future best friend didn’t actively block me on main.

Jack disease: Jack ages at 4x the normal rate. Benjamin Button case: Benjamin is born at age 84 and ages backward. The question for today is: when would it be socially acceptable for them to date? As we all know,…

Are there gorillas in the monsterverse? People seem to not know that Kong is just a big gorilla.

Me: “I’ve been feeling more depressed recently” Also Me: “you’ve been spending time on Twitter again” Me again: “what’s your point?” Me, too: *scrolling*

I miss when , , and were among my most commonly used emojis. Now it’s just , , and .

The next checks should just go to me because I’d spend them all on local businesses. It’s trickle around economics!

“I wish for one more wish infinite times.”

I kinda like myself a little, maybe, somewhat, sort of, right now. It’s nice. You should try it! 🙂

My life is like My 600 lb. Life but for emotional health.

Why doesn’t the Suicide Hotline advertise that its phone number is 1-800-APE-TALK?

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard a compliment about my booty……….. well, can I borrow twelve cents?

Roses are red. Violets are blue Daffodils are yellow Oranges are orange

When you lose contact with somebody who isn’t on social media, you can’t even check to see if they’re all right. That’s why I’m glad you’re all on Twitter: because that way I KNOW you’re not all right.

The sword of Damocles is really just a story of bad decorating

I hope when I die they put me in a nice container. I’ve urned it!

Why was it called Back to the Future and not Oedipus in Time?

Two days in a row of decreasing active cases! If this holds up, tomorrow will be three in a row!

I wished 2020 were the year of @Pixelation, and I got a whole year of being stuck with myself, which was bad because he sucks.

I’m just a Jim looking for his Jam. #AmIDoingThisRight?

Meanwhile: North Dakota would issue a mandate that recently bitten nurses could continue to work.

The Walking Dead takes place in the U.S. I bet that Canada is down to like six zombies and wondering what the hell happened here.

The wake envy the unconscious.

Isn’t all in-person chess in 3-D?

320 hours until the election. That’s two and a half of James Franco’s arms left to go.

Should I watch this debate? Joe Biden could threaten to use the powers of the presidency to persecute me, personally, and I’d still vote for him.

I could name every teacher I’ve ever had……… the names would be wrong, but I’d get the right number.

Conversations are a dance and I have two left feet.