But, wait, would his mom have been the queen regent? The order of succession is not clear from Sophocles. Man, that Oedipus story sure is Complex!
It strikes me that Oedipus didn’t even have to solve the Sphinx’s riddle. With his dad gone, he was next in line for the throne. I bet that bothered him.
The last person who called me that hasn’t been heard from since that mysterious fire… It was unrelated and in a completely different state, but it was in the news. The news is how I partition my life events. It’s…
Which is the best #typosuperpower? Fast Heeling: you can stop from a fast speed very quickly. Fright: you can get scared at a moment’s notice. Super Steed: you have a really cool horse.
On the bright side, everyone wearing masks means you never have to see people’s ugliest features: the bottom half of their faces.
I’m trying to get into a study that pays you for stool samples. But if they don’t choose me, I won’t give a shit.
I’m not very photogenic: my beauty is mostly in the third and fourth dimensions.
New colleague: Me: I’ll be your BEST Friend until you find someone cooler than me, in which case… could you ask if they’d be my best friend?
“In 1957, he would create a small black and white digital image, just 2-inches by 2-inches, of his son, made up of a 176 x 176 pixel array”. RIP Russell Kirsch. My creator has passed. I will never get the…
Why do we call them “neo-Nazis”? What exactly has been updated about their ideology?
The last remnants of the Giving Tree were used to make all of the copies of the Giving Tree book.
How much booze can I buy with a fifteen minute AA chip?
The best revenge is living a good life, which is why I know I’m not a vengeful person.
1: There aren’t that many cases. If I test positive once, then again one week later, I count as two cases. 2: there’s 4.5 Million cases in the country now, if we had half that, we’d still be the worst…
1: God gave us noses to breathe, not to hide behind masks. 2: God also gave you intelligence to avoid that kind of bad reasoning. 1: Are you calling me stupid? 2: At least you were able to pick up…
If the common ancestor of humans and gorillas had started working for minimum wage, it would still have at least 4 million years left to work before it caught up to Jeff Bezos.
I didn’t drink regularly until I was 23 and I didn’t use marijuana until it became legal in Nevada, so when I say I tried LSD twice at age 35, it was a big deal for me. The motivation and…
Finally think I can see myself as other people see me. Why didn’t anybody tell me??
I’m just a Roy trying to find his Pam.
We’re all agreed that the next zombie movie will include zombie deniers, right?
(Continued from here) A lot has happened, both in the past year and over the past decade, but I haven’t really had the chance to process it until recently. I’ve been thinking about this idea I had a while ago…
Okay, starting RIGHT NOW I’m going on a 24-hour fast. Not all at once, obviously, I’ll pause it for lunch and dinner.
Radio President: FDR TV president: JFK Movie President: Reagan Reality TV/Twitter President: Trump I don’t think any of them have been elected in the era of prior or later media. Now I’m worried who the first Tik Tok President will…
Principled artists supporting BLM: “I don’t care if it costs me my career.” Me, self-destructing since 2002: ? ? ? ? ?
#repressedmemories My first job was selling programs at a baseball stadium. After a while, the word “GramsPro” lost all meaning and I began to conjugate it incorrectly.
In Germany, there’s a superstition that failing to make eye contact while saying cheers will result in seven years bad sex. But… you know you have some say in this! I think of all of the times I failed to…
Who had the Cheeto Mussolini poisoning himself on their 2020 bingo card?
There’s apparently a David in Animal Crossing. I’m sure marble was expensive and Michelangelo couldn’t afford to give him pants.. It’s worse: he’s made of marble, so that’s him when he’s rock hard. But he could have made him shorter…
It turns out the rhythm method isn’t just keeping 4/4 time. Well, damn.
Dating in the time of COVID is only different if you don’t have a death wish, but that’s a hard thing to put in a profile.
Me: I made some awesome guacamole! Roommate narrating: @pixelation, not known for tooting his own horn, toots his own horn.
1: what’s Brazil about? 2: presumably some guy named “Brazil.” 1: … 2: or some girl?
Who knew my best life was pandemic life?
Speed running life like the goal was to date all of the behavioral disorders.
Roommate celebrated Easter by giving me three tiny chocolates and whole roll of toilet paper… what kind of GI problems does she think I have??
I’m so rich, I use toilet paper as toilet paper.
This quarantine has gone on so long, it’s a quaren-adult!
Staying home: the new Trump Hotel.
I, for one, do not advocate self-immolation
He’s such a character…. But not a main character. I mean, you would certainly never choose him. A non-playable character. An NPC. He’s an NPC.
1: Tom Hanks was hot in Big. 2: He was a Child! You monster!
Don’t mock the elderly— I was once your age… Heck, I was once younger than your age!
Don’t feed the trolls, they say. But I have a Ph.D. in the subject and she has a terrible argument, I say. But you’ll never convince it, they reply. But— anyone who turns to biology to justify *any* category is…
Don’t get sick like me! Stay home, wash your hands, avoid licking doorknobs!
The worst part of living alone, being single, and being sick is not having anybody enjoy your witty bon mots.