I’m sick. Not sure if it’s the plague, #COVID2019, or just polonium poisoning. If I pass, here are some fun things to say about me at my wake: “Time with him just flu by!” “I wish they’d prescribed something besides…

Frankly, I don’t know how they advertised the Fight Club movie without violating their own rules.

1: what song is that? 2: Dropkick Murphys 1: That was not the Dropkick Murphys. 2: Coldplay? 1: Your variance is huge! How can you be so *Bad* at this??

1: You’re so good at improv! 2: Yes, AND…… that’s actually about it.

Priest: God cries when you masturbate. Me: Yeah, but I bet those are happy tears.

Friend: is that the only thing you brought? Me: No! I also brought two handfuls of water. Friend: … Me: *nailed it!*

Friend: bring snacks! Me: ok! Friend: are these… individually wrapped raisins? Me: yeah! Friend: … Me:

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ve failed.

IOUa results

Everyone who says they’re looking for a partner in crime: be more specific! I’m a decent getaway driver, but a terrible safe cracker. Y’all act like criminal amateurs.

My streak of pooping every time I go to Taco Bell remains unbroken.

“I’m over it.” -person who’s not over it.

2020 is a building year

You’re playing D&D, I’m playing 3D&D.

Every time the lizard brain comes out, I make relationship altering decisions and they are only sometimes good. More things to bring up in therapy..

Aaaaa Aaa Aaa Aaa A Aaa Aaa A Aa Aaa Aaaa ! Aa Aaa Aaa Aa Aaa Aaa Aa Aaa Aaaaa Aaa Aaa

My predicted 2020 in emojies: Jan: ??? Feb: Mar: Apr: May: Jun: Jul: Aug: Sep: Oct: Nov: Dec: Hmmm… ??? The last three weren’t far off, I guess. Nor August.

My decade in emojis: ? ?

I don’t know about y’all, but I accomplished all of my resolutions this decade: 1) chase away everybody that loved me 2) gain like 40 pounds 3) get cool socks

Froz1 Fro2en Froz3n 4zen Froze 5

Is The Rise of Skywalker just reverse Cats? I’ve never felt more comfortable leaving a movie to go to the bathroom than during Cats. Nick on a friend who missed it: “She was like those people who missed their…

Making an end of the decade playlist. There has been a lot of mediocre music this decade. What if I just played Party Rock Anthem on repeat all New Years?

(If you need me, I’ll be living in a cave for a decade because I’m pretty sure I can’t be trusted with this task.)

People I’ve hurt this decade: >0. It feels like that number should really be 0. Let’s try to make it 0 in the next decade, yeah?

Back home. Too many memories here. Too many memories, period. I’m usually against rampant gentrification, but if they’ll bulldoze Memory Lane, I’m all for it.

There’s nothing more Gen X than never having bothered to come up with a name for itself.

I used to say the worst part of having friends is being unable to live their lives for them. But maybe the worst part of being me is that people can’t live my life for me?

SSRIsyphus. That’s it, that’s the tweet.

I can’t wait to use my 2020 glasses on New Years. Although, if they’re 20/20, why do I need glasses? (I’ll see myself out.)

I made her life hell before. I’m better now, but I’d probably still make her life heck.

Perks of dating me: lots of jokes x 1% hit rate = lots of laughs many deep thoughts without being douchy about it own my own car, have a nice apartment, and don’t fret about money if I break your…

I’m like an onion: easy to cut, will make you cry, and falls apart under the tiniest bit of pressure.

I think this is the most extraordinary collection of criminality, of imbecility, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Donald Trump dined alone.

Harry Potter and Crew who Peaked in High School

I… 1) earned a PhD. 2) got a job 3) finished a list of accompl

I discovered that my misophonia is triggered by paintbrushes as much as other brushes. There goes my career as an artist ?

Playing Devil’s Paralegal: “I’ve highlighted all of the parts of the document that sound bad out of context.”

I spent a year working on a gift I’ll never give. Futile projects are weirdly cathartic. ???

Always the Charlie, always the Waitress, but never at the same time.

Mike Dorning, “U.S. TO SET ADDITIONAL TARIFFS ON IRISH, SCOTCH WHISKIES” I’m all in on impeachment now.

Ugh— I hate it when the person I most need to talk to is dead or something. It’s hard to keep track.

It’s easy to afford to travel if you don’t mind being in debt for the rest of your life.

I’m not conventionally attractive, but I still hope conventions will catch up to me.

Canonically, it takes three weeks to get into Rocky or Karate Kid shape. So if anybody want to battle, schedule it within 20 days.