Canonically, it takes three weeks to get into Rocky or Karate Kid shape. So if anybody want to battle, schedule it within 20 days.

Oppenheimer claimed that, when he witnessed the first atomic weapon, he quoted, “I have become death, destroyer of worlds.” Eyewitness accounts deny this, claiming he instead said, “big bomb go boom.”

The gunfight at the O.K. Corral lasted 30 seconds and killed three people. It wouldn’t make a top ten shooting most months in the U.S.

Antidepressants are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

There is some confusion as to whether Alexander wept because “there were no more worlds left to conquer” or because “there were infinite worlds to conquer and he had yet to conquer one.” One thing we do know is that…

It turns out there’s a limit to how much Chartreuse can go into a concoction. That limit is zerø.

In the gritty reboot of Captain Planet, the pilot is just him crying for a half hour.

I can’t wait until @linmanuelmybean’s sequel about the second secretary of the treasury, Oliver Wolcott Jr.

If you give the Hamilton musical a long enough standing ovation, they come back and do a zombie Hamilton encore.

Atlas: the Titan who always skipped leg day.

I’m so tired of trying to be happy and failing.

Detective Pikachu has some positive reviews. I’m considering seeing it, even though I was too old to grow up with detectives.

Meal replacements replace meals with sadness.

Added bicycling in the dark with no lights.

In the Hobbit, Gandalf, a racist old man, asks Bilbo for help because he thinks his race is particularly “sneaky.”

Fun fact: Duck dicks fall off every year after mating season. Makes you think..

Always the BoJack, never the Mr. PeanutButter.

It turns out it is possible to lose an argument on the Internet and walk away. Some of y’all should try it. You could get an extra 20,000 steps in every day.

The only thing all my problems have in common is me. Also, pumpernickel.

I wish I did more death defying stunts than tweeting while driving.

Living alone is the worst— it’s being trapped with your own worst enemy.

You want me out of your life. That’s cool, I want me out of my life, too.

Being sick is the worst. I want to die slightly more than usual.

1: what do you do on weekends? 2: it varies. Like, last weekend, I accidentally killed then quickly buried a hitchhiker. 1: … 2: *realizing what I said* oh no. I’m sorry, that was two weekends ago!

You get sent back in time and have to figure out how to convince your parents who you are. How would you do it? I would tell dad jokes.

You think ceiling fans are important. Show me a ceiling fan that’s not attached to a ceiling.

I need to be more concise and… STOP.

It’s #PiDay2019! In honor of the day, I learned all the digits to pi. Just not in the right order.

“Time to move on.” -Person who will not move on for a long time

Hey everybody! They finally figured out why we’re like this!! “Study suggests humor could be an emotion regulation strategy for depression”

Did I just lose an hour??? – me, everyday on Twitter

David Perell: “The internet has a recency bias. Old ideas aren’t resurfaced enough. We’re obsessed with what’s happening right now. Articles, blog posts, interviews, documentaries. You name it. The world needs older ideas.” Now is my time to shine.

I used to hate my life until I realized that’s for other people to hate.

Same, baby. Same.

Reporter: Baby, baby, you just came into this world. What do you think about existence? Baby: *cries*

Always the drunk dialer, never the drunk dialee

Judas: wait, so did I! Jesus: yeah, that’s what you get!

Jesus: drink of this red wine, for it is my blood. Mary Magdalene: but I’m having white wine. *Jesus giggles*

I’m going to try to think one positive thought about myself every day. Today’s thought was: I have protons.

Does Superman have the most devastating flatulence?

Valentine’s day came and went; I did neither.

Your spy name is your favorite president’s first name followed by your favorite type of gold. Your spy number is the age at which you last wet the bed in a three-digit format. Mine is Franklin Tooth, 006.

Two wrong decisions don’t make a right decision. Me: Oh no

1: I’m you, from the future! 2: Oh wow! What happens to me then? 1: As if you don’t know: you ruined my life! I’ve come back to kill you!