Tao of Gabe: On Mass Girls
Jayna,
To prepare for this article, I lived with twenty-six girls for a period of six months. I just don’t mention them in the article because I barely made it up right now.
Love,
Gabe.
~o_O~
Gabe the Ketotic Beaver here reminding you that people with better vocabularies than you laugh more often.
This is also true of people with sleeping disorders, but we should really draw the relevancy line somewhere.
Life is hard.
Life is especially hard when you’re a college student living with dozens of other people of your own gender.
I have, however, learned a thing or two from my years on the couch as a part-time psychologist and full-time top bunk bed wetter.
The simple truth is this: boys are brutes and girls are bitches. It took me seven words to say that, but it won’t stop me from going on for another 350 because I get paid by the joke and not the insight. For insights you should have gained thus far in life, please see our upcoming columnist: Ryan the Redundant Raccoon. He’s a metaphorical masked menace.
Also, he’s alliterative for some reason.
The beauty of being a humor columnist is that some bad puns and quirky sentences can often pass for bad jokes.
This column is the first part of a two-part series in which I analyze the human genders (male and non-male) in ways that are obvious to just about anyone with an equivalency to a certificate of appreciation of remedial art, specializing in Phrenology from a formerly prestigious European university, like I do.
I modify my qualifications each time not because I made them up—though that’s pretty damn likely if you think about it—but because the job market for art history/phrenology students grows smaller by the day. It could be worse, though. I could be majoring in something useless like linguistics, women’s studies, business ethics, or journalism.
And now, to study women.
It has been documented (see Beaver, Gabe the February 9, 2006) that women communicate with each other by ‘troubles talk.’ They bond by discussing their deepest secrets and worst features. When lots of women are around and one doesn’t have enough personal secrets and bad features to share, girls tend to begin sharing other girls’ secrets and bad features.
It’s a time-saving mechanism, really. Girls don’t talk trash, they just only know how to communicate by sharing their problems and their problems always end up being with other girls… because other girls do talk trash… the bitches!
Ironically, because girls hate being talked about, they end up talking about how other girls were talking about them when they were talking to a girl that can’t be trusted to not go talking to other people.
It’s a complicated way of saying ‘girls en masse become back-stabbing bitches,’ but you get the picture.
Stay tuned for next week when I tear boys a new one. And that’s only a moderately offensive sexual innuendo.
Love, seriously,
Gabe D. Beaver
“Remember Kids: I’ve never written a serious column. Though I have been known for some that just weren’t funny.”
Jayna, To prepare for this article, I lived with twenty-six girls for a period of six months. I just don’t mention them in the article because I barely made it up right now. Love, Gabe. ~o_O~ Gabe the Ketotic Beaver here reminding you that people with better vocabularies than you laugh more often. This is…