Elbridge Gerry is the namesake of the word Gerrymandering. He was also the first vice president not to run for president… because he died

Conversation – much better than Inversation.

Why does everyone pay attention to my bald spot? What about all the other spots of my head that aren’t bald??

I was like you when I was your age… Only I was younger.

“I’m sick.” “You want Tea? Let me get you some.” “Nooo.” “I have to get up to get you Tea.” “I want You!” “No, that’s the NEXT letter!” 🙂

If you want me to stay just say it. Say anything? It doesn’t even have to be a word, you could just say a vowel. “Y?”

CCing – for use when cutting straight through bureaucracy.

Today is Time Capsule Day! Wherein I make a time capsule to represent my life this year and bury it.

I was so poor, I sold my hair to buy a comb.

It might seem like I was responsible, but I didn’t even notice the kid was missing! So… How responsible could I be?

Here is a six word story: Peter Godfrey-Smith killed our reading group.

If sitcoms end seasons on dramatic cliffhangers, TV dramas should end seasons just before a big punchline.

My friend can spell any word while blindfolded. There’s no reason that should be any more impressivethan normal, but it so is.

I like to be an ass and tell my students that I’m really busy this week, but can meet with them after finals.

New year’s resolution for me: quit subtly insulting you. For you: to be less jolly.

Have you ever had your life flash before somebody else’s eyes?

:'(

Apparently it is always a bad idea to ask a woman if she is in line for the men’s room.