Submissions for Non-Paying Publications

Dear Editor-lady,

Gabe the Deontological Beaver here with my jam-packed submission for your peanut butter-packed newspaper. Do with it what you will, though hopefully you will print it. Also, I assume you shall contact me if I do end up ‘winning’ this mysterious and death-defying contest.

In any case, there’s a slight problem with the time-space continuum. See, I happen to be in North Ryde, New South Wales, Australia on a three month exchange at this particular moment and I cannot stop by Corbett Center and pose for your splendid photographers.

There is, however, a second option (I call it Option B). I have a predrawn head-shot and full body shot that you could gladly publish. I have attached my favorite picture of myself in both .jpg and .tif file formats, which I assume are appropriate for your needs. Let me know if these are not correct or if you would like for me to send my head-shot instead.

I also have a designated artist in New Mexico whom I could get to contact you if so desired. Alternatively, you could take a picture of a potato, a large piece of living room furniture, or some random mammal and claim that it is me. I’d bet my own mother would have difficulty telling the difference.

In any case, I look forward to my competitor’s article and wish you a grandiose year.

Love,
Gabe D. Beaver
Advice Columnist sans the Advice
Pix Capacitor

[obviously, the text proceeding the word ‘obviously’ is not to be printed]

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Illustrious Beaver here with the results of his year-long odyssey into the college student psyche. It turns out they spend most of their time playing Spider Solitaire and poking people on Facebook.

College is where people find themselves… face down in a pool of their own vomit. Actually, that’s an exaggeration based on a stereotype that is perpetuated by the media. I shouldn’t perpetuate that image, but as I’m now part of the media, I find myself compelled to do so. I also feel compelled to cast a biased look at whatever politician you happen to prefer and promote whichever political idealogy you happen to detest.

I digress. The point was to explain what college students think (in case you, as a college student, didn’t know).

Not all college students are the same. While some could entertain you for minutes on end with stories of their drunken escapades against the parking department, many college students are content muttering ominous death threats while hovering around for parking (the adult version of musical chairs).
Similarly, while some students bed dozens of partners, others remain virgins until their postgraduate days. If you think that’s sad, I bought a 12-pack of condoms in March and I still have 11-and-a-half of them left.

Then there is the other part of college that nobody mentions: classes. College would be so great if it weren’t for the classes. Then, as if it weren’t enough to be made to pay to do extra work, they make you buy books that you’ll open once before each test and then never again. Don’t lie; you know you complain more about how heavy your books are than how hard.

That’s the reason that every semester I look in my wallet and I say to myself, “Gabe, this money isn’t going to last very long, so you’re going to have to spend it really fast!”

Luckily, college isn’t just surfing the web, drinking, and complaining about parking, sex, and classes. No, if you truly want the college experience, you can do so much more.

You could live in the dorms, for instance. Everyone that’s lived in one would recommend it, I know I do. Of course, we only recommend it because we don’t think it’s fair that nobody warned us beforehand. It turns out that it? not very fun to overpay to live with the dirtiest people this side of Mississippi and eat the same tired food day-in and day-out.

Then, if you still feel you’re not getting the college experience, you could join a sport, become a Greek, or join a club like SANA: Students Against New Acronyms. It is definitely advisable to do at least one of those– or so we hear from the testimonials on the brochures.

College is a little of everything, really. Sometimes, while trying to make sense of it, I feel as if I’m the only sane person in the world and that makes me feel crazy.

Love,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: The college experience is a hoax perpetuated by the media!”

Dear Editor-lady, Gabe the Deontological Beaver here with my jam-packed submission for your peanut butter-packed newspaper. Do with it what you will, though hopefully you will print it. Also, I assume you shall contact me if I do end up ‘winning’ this mysterious and death-defying contest. In any case, there’s a slight problem with the…