Dear Editor,
As a reclusive beaver with an only marginal grasp on reality and and even more marginal grasp on the concept of humans, I’ve realized that I’m the perfect person to give advice to the growing New Mexico State University population.
That’s right, I caught sight of “In the Sack with Sak” last semester and I realized one thing: few people know how to give or take advice (that last part is what keeps us advice giving mammals in the business). Therefore, this semester, after overhearing my current editor talk about the opportunity you’d offered him some months ago, I’ve decided to offer you my services.
I can write a biweekly, semimonthly (or semiweekly, bimonthly?) column between 250 and 800 words in which I give fantastic advice to weak-minded humans… completely free! Granted, I only offer to work for free because I wouldn’t be able to cash a check even if I had it in my own paws.
I’ve been giving advice professionally since December 1998 in an early edition of Panther Tracks. Since then, I’ve worked for Carver’s BT and Pix Capacitor (that last one is a bit of a stretch. Most of the people that pick up a copy do so only to light their cigars). I have a built in fan-base and never miss a deadline (the deadlines miss me :).
So what do you say? Would you publish my column if I sent it to you every fortnight (I’ll even provide nice little pictures for you)? I assure you, you’ll possibly not regret it!
Let me know (I can provide samples, if you wish).
Huzzah!
-Gabe, the Illustrious Beaver